I've played a few sexy games in my day - sometimes they were made up on the fly, but other times they were purchased and explored in the privacy of one of our homes. Some of my more memorable moments have taken place thanks to a sexy game or two. The ones purchased on a whim are my favorites; I don't think about whether or not its cheap or silly, I just get them, introduce them, and see what happens.
Late last month The Dude and I played a few of these games, almost as a joke to see who could keep a straight face throughout the process the longest. Interestingly, some of them were more fun than (I think) either of us anticipated, so here's my run-down of some of my favs.
Sexy Game #1: A Hot Affair... With Your Partner
A Hot Affair... With Your Partner is tied with the next sexy game on this list for my favorite. Not only did it get me laughing with The Dude, but we had the option to make the game mild or wild depending on our mood.
Sexy Game #2: Lust!
A card-based board game with 30,000 different "Love Making" variations, Lust! is definitely meant to be enjoyed as a couples-only game. You roll the die and progress along the board by selecting cards that are then acted out together, culminating in the winner who ultimately decides (with consent) which cards get acted out in sequence for an unusual how-to. I liked Lust! for its ability to shake things up between us, but I don't know if it would be a weekly or even monthly thing. Still, it was a whole lotta fun.
Sexy Game #3: Fetish!
Ok now we've found a sexy game! Fetish is definitely an adults-only game, where two people discover what sexual fetishes they possess via the four fetishes of Food, Feet, Voyeurism and Domination. Its a board game, and you progress depending on which fetish interests you. If none of them do? Pick another sexy game.
Sexy Game #4: Sexdrive
Kind of a mix between a racing car game and a sexual knowledge game, Sexdrive quizzes 2-6 players on a variety of adult questions from eight different categories. I both enjoyed bits and pieces of this game and got caught up in some of the language/play, but it might be fun with a group of, well, open-minded folks.
Sexy Game #5: Sexy Secrets Game
Kind of a naughty truth or dare, the sexy secrets game wasn't too bad. The box said it can be played with 2-6 people, but I thought that some of the, er, 'skeletons in the closet' -type questions were a bit much for folks who don't know each other intimately.
Sexy Game #6: Adult Loaded Questions
More of an adult-themed party game than a sexy game for couples, Adult Loaded Questions asks players to answer a question by writing it down, and then reading the answers aloud to guess who said what. Players advance by guessing correctly. I wouldn't want to play it with my family, but its not that much of a 'sexy' game per say, although still a lot of fun.
I'll admit it: I talked at length about sex with an ex, namely Behinder (the guy my friends say I am still in love with). I usually cringe when calling him an ex, because we only really dated for a couple of weeks, but whatever. Right? We dated. It was hot and heavy and surprisingly serious. He's an ex.
It started when I shared the comments of, interestingly enough, one of the same people who has been jeering me about still having feelings for the guy. "You need the sense fucked into you," he said. I might as well come up with a name for the guy, since I've mentioned him twice now. Er... yes. The Goblin, because it suits his personality well.
Goblin was harassing me about having hot and heavy sex talks with behinder on a semi-regular basis. Prompted by me? No, no, definitely not. Behinder would go out of his way to try and bring up past shared sexual experiences to gauge my reaction, or tease me with things he knew I found arousing. His coup de gras was getting me to masturbate after getting so excited that I couldn't help myself. Not in his presence mind you. Just online via chat. Of course, he was doing the same thing.
Was it wrong? It felt wrong, but oh-so-right at the same time. Later, much later, I found out that he was dating the STD nurse during this whole eight month long fiasco. She had no idea at the time what her boyfriend was doing with me, nor did she know of the overlap between us when they first met. Eventually she 'forgave him' his transgressions, because "nothing physical ever happened". Whatever helps you sleep at night, right?
When I found out about him having a girlfriend while seducing me yet again, I blew up. Wasn't pretty, but was drawn out. I felt betrayed in ways I couldn't describe - even more so than if we'd done the deed (again). Why? Because to me, the seduction was more intimate than any sexual encounter Behinder and I had shared - and we'd shared some intensely personal sessions. And so now, I won't talk sex with an ex - because I know now that (a) he's probably got someone else I don't know about, and (b) its so much more intimate for me to get in my head than get in my pants.
I haven't posted anything of late because there isn't anything to tell. I'm moping, miserable, and heartbroken, even if I was more delusional than anything to have thought that My Great Romance ended up being not much more than a notch on Behinder's ever-widening belt.
But as Goblin said to me the other day, Behinder is partially delusional too. He purposely led me on and deceived me, so really, its time to accept Behinder chose a sex doll over substance -- and move on.
More brilliance from Sexagenarian in the City:
He told me last night that when he first met me I seemed 'whacky, zany, and independent', but now I seemed 'needy'. I came right back with a denial of that word: I'm not needy, I said. I need an appropriate amount of love, and you're withdrawing yours and I'm calling you on that. That's not needy.
I shared with Goblin earlier that I'd decided to devote today and tomorrow to feeling sorry for myself. To cry as much as I could and wallow in heartbreak the way only a 30-year-old woman can: by listening to Soft Cell's Tainted Love, eating fat free chocolate pudding pops and laughing at how her methods of dealing with a breakup haven't changed in 15 years.
My eyes are burning and my stomach is churning while I stare aimlessly at my blinds and wonder how on earth a ladybug got into my house, and whether or not I should try and gently remove him from the premises. A song pops into my head and I realize I HAVE to pop in a CD perfect for the occasion. But where the hell is it? Ah, finally. A lovely compilation from Leonard Cohen's son's band, Low Millions, called Ex-Girlfriends. That's right, each and every song is about a different breakup. Perfect.
Do I want Eleanor? The radio-ready song that I've heard playing in grocery stores for years? "And I won't call you baby, anymore, like I did before... Eleanor." Hm, no. Not quite right. Oh wait, maybe Behinder should listen to it: "You left your smell, you left your taste, you left me here with my mistakes."
No, it's Statue that I want.
I've been standing here 'round like a statue,
Laying on the floor thinking about you,
Talk to myself like the crazies do,
Otherwise I'm great. What about you?"
And as I listen, I read more of Sexagenarian in the City's blog, who inspires me to do some real writing, not this rambling crap that feels like more of a 16-year-old version of Hunter S. Thompson whining.
I hate using the word heartbroken, because it reminds me of some sort of emo-filled teen angst song. But right now, that's about how I feel.
Behinder has finally come clean with me. He's sorry for leading me on and acting seductively, he says because of his "emotional idiocy", he didn't think what it would do to me. But yes, he's been dating STD Nurse for eight months now, and he has no intention of changing that anytime soon.
So he not only purposefully hid this tidbit from me, but he went out of his way to tell me he was only casually dating instead of the "not casual" relationship he's having. She's even visited him here (they live three hours apart), and, lucky me, he decided to tell me that she "wears him out" when she visits. Tactless, yes, but I was blown away that he'd tolerate once-a-month sex, considering he's ended relationships in the past because he didn't get once-a-day sex.
Interestingly, he also shared that if they were not dating, its possible he'd pursue something with me again. Because there isn't any of sort incompatibility between us; just his own dumbass mistakes.
Supposedly he's telling STD Nurse his transgressions with me - namely, not telling her he was with me when he started fooling around with her, as well as his repeated attempts to get me to masturbate, because he "loved" getting me to that place so often. Also supposedly, STD Nurse doesn't care, because its "not physical".
Is anyone else buying the bullshit? I'm sure as hell not.
So I told Behinder today that he'd pulled one too many stunts with me. He leveraged both our relationship and our friendship so he could date this woman, a deceitful, manipulative "sweet" girl. I said I hoped the charade was all worth it, because he'd utterly humiliated me. He didn't deserve my love or friendship, even though he had both, unconditionally.
If anyone has some good 'purge-the-ex' ideas, I'm all ears. I've run into Behinder now twice in two days, and it sucks. Hugely. Although it might be fun to run into him when he's with the STD Nurse... I can think of a lot of things I'd love to tell her.
Lots to share in a short time frame. Let's see how much I can cover!
The Farmer decided that he had to tell me he was going on a non-date with a woman he'd made out with before last Saturday night. The non-date (his words) were to occur at a pool with her in her bikini, which he assured me was a very good thing. Before I could ask why this was important information for him to share, he was gone. The next day, he tells me he was too sick from some sort of food poisoning to "do her again" in the morning, aka morning sex. He still was adamant it wasn't a date. Suddenly, he seemed to realize how inappropriate his rantings were, and mentioned he was doing a pretty good job of putting his foot in his mouth. I haven't bothered talking to him since.
A series of strange events with Better than Sex Guy has had me calling him at his request, and him not picking up or returning my calls, although when I ran into him on the street the other day (completely unawares it was him at first - he looks quite a bit older than his pics in person), he made me promise to call him again. So, I did, one last time, to invite him to the farmer's market. He ignored me, I went anyway, and lo and behold who do I run into as I'm leaving? Him, his son, and a very attractive young redhead, who waved and said hello to me while I tried to get Better than Sex Guy's attention. Somehow he never saw me, so I chatted briefly with the woman at his side. When I got home, I had an email from him stating his son's mom was in town, so this weekend was bad for him - but what's going on on Canada Day? Yeah, no.
Behinder and I have chatted a bit since the big fallout the other day, but nothing has been resolved. We even ran into each other on the street the next day; for some reason I'd chosen to get all dolled up before leaving the house, so as soon as he spotted me, he plastered a shit-eating grin all over his face. Still, I have to wonder about a man who extolls my virtues and amazingness, knows I've wanted him by my side for almost two years, yet pulls a little emo side story as an excuse why he can't date me anymore, and finds the fastest, quickest gal to casually start dating. *sigh*
So that's the sad state of my dating life right now: no dates with which to speak of. Just weird coincidences and behavior from a bunch of motley fools.
Behinder finally admitted to me yesterday that he's been dating the woman I've dubbed the STD Nurse: the nurse-in-training he unceremoniously left me for, who in turn gave him a (luckily) innocuous STD.
I started the conversation with eight points I wanted to make:
- I feel ashamed and foolish because of how you chose to interact with me.
- You took the easy way out with this entire situation, the whole time (and continue to), and I am very angry with you for that.
- I find this cycle of "sweet" yet manipulative/deceitful women to be abhorrent, and I am furious with you for continuing to make excuses for these women's behaviors.
- You completely disregarded me as a supposed good friend.
- We've been having intimate conversations/interactions, which, although not technically cheating are COMPLETELY inappropriate between two people where one is dating someone else.
- Because of the last point, I'm now the kind of woman I never wanted to be - again - because of your poor judgment. I may not seem to be the most moral of women, but I do have a strict moral code that I refuse to break. I may not like STD Nurse's actions or behavior, but I would have NEVER encouraged or initiated anything had I known.
- I feel you've placed higher value (based on your actions) for a relative stranger rather than one of your supposed closest friends, and being that you've said several times you'd never be friends with STD Nurse if you weren't having sex with her, this devalues our interactions.
- Your excuse that "she was always around" when you were visiting your friends as an excuse to continue dating STD Nurse is ridiculous, and sounds like something more appropriate coming from a 14-year-old.
So he counters with, "you keep going back to it, yet you still never answer my question, which is , If you hadn't forgiven me for it, why still talk to me?" and I answered, yelling, "Because you told me to wait." (He did. Specifically, he'd assured me things would get better in a couple of months, and that I was worth the wait. A couple of hours later, he was bopping the STD Nurse).
And then I explain my definition of love, which is essentially to see the nasty in someone, and STILL care about them. I said that I realized I did, realized my errors, knew damn well that I was fucked up at the time, and was being patient, working on my own stuff. He counters with, "that is love to me too," to which I reply, "aha, so that's why you're running to poor STD Nurse's maligned side." He said nothing.
He then said that STD Nurse knew he flirts with me, and thinks its harmless. I explained that what we'd been doing was well beyond flirting, and he bloody well knows it. He agreed.
Then he tells me he obviously can't change my mind, to which I am puzzled. I ask, "I didn't realize changing my mind was the goal. What does that mean?" Him: "Well, you are pretty effectively negating everything I say. Which still doesn't account for the fact that I think differently than you do, and so events played out the way I thought they could best be done. I never claimed they were the right and true way, but the best I could do, with my inexperience dealing with emotional issues."
And THEN we get to the good stuff.
Him: And I don't want to hurt anyone. Which is why I thought it was over, that I hurt you too much to go back. it was something I couldn't bear. It was welcome to again interact with you, but I would never let myself go any farther.
Me: well duh, you are with someone else
Him: talking about right after the shit, but yes it carries to the present. I guess I am thanking you for allowing me back in your life, at least a little.
Me: But I still don't understand. What couldn't you bear?
Him: being with you with the fuck up I've been
Me: what, and I had no say in the matter?
Him: Over how I feel? No. But I didn't know you would be embarrassed, but I did detect some hostility there, so I let it lie. It didn't change our interactions.
Me: Had I known, it would have. I would have NEVER shared what I had.
Him: but I would have still, obviously
Me: would have, obviously.. but dammit, that's really not fair. Its not like you share that with your other friends. Its a level of intimacy usually shared between partners, and yet you're too guilty to go there, so you're essentially getting the best of both worlds. Its not fair to the person you are with, and its not fair to me.
Me: but its all moot, I guess. you obviously love this woman, and I'm obviously shit out of luck. so....
Him: and once again I must leave you to sleep, on that excellent note.
Me: That was excellent?
Him: that was sarcasm
I'm so confused its not funny anymore.
Honestly. Sexagenarian and the City is incredible. A recent post,
If he doesn't love me that absolutely, or (okay, let's be honest here) doesn't show signs of being about to become the kind of person who wants to be the first in the emergency room with me when I'm full of tubes and needles, when my life or death is visible in little green zig-zaggy lines and audible in beeps, when my face can barely be seen under the sheets and the masks, when the nurse checks every few minutes to write things down on the clipboard - then I don't know if I can find within myself the emotional energy to do the things to his penis that give him such exquisite pleasure.
Although I may be a bit more torn about the reasons why I enjoy sex (I quite like being in a position of power that allows me to pleasure a lovely penis), I agree that this feeling she's describing is a familiar one to me. Why can't we, as empowered, sexual women, have it all?
An email received today:
Is this the online version of drunk dialing?