Here, Here!
More brilliance from Sexagenarian in the City:
He told me last night that when he first met me I seemed 'whacky, zany, and independent', but now I seemed 'needy'. I came right back with a denial of that word: I'm not needy, I said. I need an appropriate amount of love, and you're withdrawing yours and I'm calling you on that. That's not needy.
Waiting for Inspiration
I shared with Goblin earlier that I'd decided to devote today and tomorrow to feeling sorry for myself. To cry as much as I could and wallow in heartbreak the way only a 30-year-old woman can: by listening to Soft Cell's Tainted Love, eating fat free chocolate pudding pops and laughing at how her methods of dealing with a breakup haven't changed in 15 years.
My eyes are burning and my stomach is churning while I stare aimlessly at my blinds and wonder how on earth a ladybug got into my house, and whether or not I should try and gently remove him from the premises. A song pops into my head and I realize I HAVE to pop in a CD perfect for the occasion. But where the hell is it? Ah, finally. A lovely compilation from Leonard Cohen's son's band, Low Millions, called Ex-Girlfriends. That's right, each and every song is about a different breakup. Perfect.
Do I want Eleanor
No, it's Statue
Without you,
I've been standing here 'round like a statue,
Laying on the floor thinking about you,
Talk to myself like the crazies do,
Otherwise I'm great. What about you?"
And as I listen, I read more of Sexagenarian in the City's blog, who inspires me to do some real writing, not this rambling crap that feels like more of a 16-year-old version of Hunter S. Thompson whining.
Heartbroken
I hate using the word heartbroken, because it reminds me of some sort of emo-filled teen angst song. But right now, that's about how I feel.
Behinder has finally come clean with me. He's sorry for leading me on and acting seductively, he says because of his "emotional idiocy", he didn't think what it would do to me. But yes, he's been dating STD Nurse for eight months now, and he has no intention of changing that anytime soon.
So he not only purposefully hid this tidbit from me, but he went out of his way to tell me he was only casually dating instead of the "not casual" relationship he's having. She's even visited him here (they live three hours apart), and, lucky me, he decided to tell me that she "wears him out" when she visits. Tactless, yes, but I was blown away that he'd tolerate once-a-month sex, considering he's ended relationships in the past because he didn't get once-a-day sex.
Interestingly, he also shared that if they were not dating, its possible he'd pursue something with me again. Because there isn't any of sort incompatibility between us; just his own dumbass mistakes.
Supposedly he's telling STD Nurse his transgressions with me - namely, not telling her he was with me when he started fooling around with her, as well as his repeated attempts to get me to masturbate, because he "loved" getting me to that place so often. Also supposedly, STD Nurse doesn't care, because its "not physical".
Is anyone else buying the bullshit? I'm sure as hell not.
So I told Behinder today that he'd pulled one too many stunts with me. He leveraged both our relationship and our friendship so he could date this woman, a deceitful, manipulative "sweet" girl. I said I hoped the charade was all worth it, because he'd utterly humiliated me. He didn't deserve my love or friendship, even though he had both, unconditionally.
If anyone has some good 'purge-the-ex' ideas, I'm all ears. I've run into Behinder now twice in two days, and it sucks. Hugely. Although it might be fun to run into him when he's with the STD Nurse... I can think of a lot of things I'd love to tell her.
Updates on My Dates
Lots to share in a short time frame. Let's see how much I can cover!
The Farmer decided that he had to tell me he was going on a non-date with a woman he'd made out with before last Saturday night. The non-date (his words) were to occur at a pool with her in her bikini, which he assured me was a very good thing. Before I could ask why this was important information for him to share, he was gone. The next day, he tells me he was too sick from some sort of food poisoning to "do her again" in the morning, aka morning sex. He still was adamant it wasn't a date. Suddenly, he seemed to realize how inappropriate his rantings were, and mentioned he was doing a pretty good job of putting his foot in his mouth. I haven't bothered talking to him since.
A series of strange events with Better than Sex Guy has had me calling him at his request, and him not picking up or returning my calls, although when I ran into him on the street the other day (completely unawares it was him at first - he looks quite a bit older than his pics in person), he made me promise to call him again. So, I did, one last time, to invite him to the farmer's market. He ignored me, I went anyway, and lo and behold who do I run into as I'm leaving? Him, his son, and a very attractive young redhead, who waved and said hello to me while I tried to get Better than Sex Guy's attention. Somehow he never saw me, so I chatted briefly with the woman at his side. When I got home, I had an email from him stating his son's mom was in town, so this weekend was bad for him - but what's going on on Canada Day? Yeah, no.
Behinder and I have chatted a bit since the big fallout the other day, but nothing has been resolved. We even ran into each other on the street the next day; for some reason I'd chosen to get all dolled up before leaving the house, so as soon as he spotted me, he plastered a shit-eating grin all over his face. Still, I have to wonder about a man who extolls my virtues and amazingness, knows I've wanted him by my side for almost two years, yet pulls a little emo side story as an excuse why he can't date me anymore, and finds the fastest, quickest gal to casually start dating. *sigh*
So that's the sad state of my dating life right now: no dates with which to speak of. Just weird coincidences and behavior from a bunch of motley fools.
The Plot Thickens
Behinder finally admitted to me yesterday that he's been dating the woman I've dubbed the STD Nurse: the nurse-in-training he unceremoniously left me for, who in turn gave him a (luckily) innocuous STD.
I started the conversation with eight points I wanted to make:
- I feel ashamed and foolish because of how you chose to interact with me.
- You took the easy way out with this entire situation, the whole time (and continue to), and I am very angry with you for that.
- I find this cycle of "sweet" yet manipulative/deceitful women to be abhorrent, and I am furious with you for continuing to make excuses for these women's behaviors.
- You completely disregarded me as a supposed good friend.
- We've been having intimate conversations/interactions, which, although not technically cheating are COMPLETELY inappropriate between two people where one is dating someone else.
- Because of the last point, I'm now the kind of woman I never wanted to be - again - because of your poor judgment. I may not seem to be the most moral of women, but I do have a strict moral code that I refuse to break. I may not like STD Nurse's actions or behavior, but I would have NEVER encouraged or initiated anything had I known.
- I feel you've placed higher value (based on your actions) for a relative stranger rather than one of your supposed closest friends, and being that you've said several times you'd never be friends with STD Nurse if you weren't having sex with her, this devalues our interactions.
- Your excuse that "she was always around" when you were visiting your friends as an excuse to continue dating STD Nurse is ridiculous, and sounds like something more appropriate coming from a 14-year-old.
So he counters with, "you keep going back to it, yet you still never answer my question, which is , If you hadn't forgiven me for it, why still talk to me?" and I answered, yelling, "Because you told me to wait." (He did. Specifically, he'd assured me things would get better in a couple of months, and that I was worth the wait. A couple of hours later, he was bopping the STD Nurse).
And then I explain my definition of love, which is essentially to see the nasty in someone, and STILL care about them. I said that I realized I did, realized my errors, knew damn well that I was fucked up at the time, and was being patient, working on my own stuff. He counters with, "that is love to me too," to which I reply, "aha, so that's why you're running to poor STD Nurse's maligned side." He said nothing.
He then said that STD Nurse knew he flirts with me, and thinks its harmless. I explained that what we'd been doing was well beyond flirting, and he bloody well knows it. He agreed.
Then he tells me he obviously can't change my mind, to which I am puzzled. I ask, "I didn't realize changing my mind was the goal. What does that mean?" Him: "Well, you are pretty effectively negating everything I say. Which still doesn't account for the fact that I think differently than you do, and so events played out the way I thought they could best be done. I never claimed they were the right and true way, but the best I could do, with my inexperience dealing with emotional issues."
And THEN we get to the good stuff.
Him: And I don't want to hurt anyone. Which is why I thought it was over, that I hurt you too much to go back. it was something I couldn't bear. It was welcome to again interact with you, but I would never let myself go any farther.
Me: well duh, you are with someone else
Him: talking about right after the shit, but yes it carries to the present. I guess I am thanking you for allowing me back in your life, at least a little.
Me: But I still don't understand. What couldn't you bear?
Him: being with you with the fuck up I've been
Me: what, and I had no say in the matter?
Him: Over how I feel? No. But I didn't know you would be embarrassed, but I did detect some hostility there, so I let it lie. It didn't change our interactions.
Me: Had I known, it would have. I would have NEVER shared what I had.
Him: but I would have still, obviously
Me: would have, obviously.. but dammit, that's really not fair. Its not like you share that with your other friends. Its a level of intimacy usually shared between partners, and yet you're too guilty to go there, so you're essentially getting the best of both worlds. Its not fair to the person you are with, and its not fair to me.
Him: ...
Me: but its all moot, I guess. you obviously love this woman, and I'm obviously shit out of luck. so....
Him: and once again I must leave you to sleep, on that excellent note.
Me: That was excellent?
Him: that was sarcasm
*****
I'm so confused its not funny anymore.
Must-Read Dating Blog
Honestly. Sexagenarian and the City is incredible. A recent post,
If he doesn't love me that absolutely, or (okay, let's be honest here) doesn't show signs of being about to become the kind of person who wants to be the first in the emergency room with me when I'm full of tubes and needles, when my life or death is visible in little green zig-zaggy lines and audible in beeps, when my face can barely be seen under the sheets and the masks, when the nurse checks every few minutes to write things down on the clipboard - then I don't know if I can find within myself the emotional energy to do the things to his penis that give him such exquisite pleasure.
Although I may be a bit more torn about the reasons why I enjoy sex (I quite like being in a position of power that allows me to pleasure a lovely penis), I agree that this feeling she's describing is a familiar one to me. Why can't we, as empowered, sexual women, have it all?
Quality Dating Prospect Via Online Drunk Dialing
An email received today:
Is this the online version of drunk dialing?
Addicted to Chat
I've realized the past few nights that I don't really have much of a social life; most of my 'social' time is spent chatting with potential dates and/or friends online. So when everyone - very suddenly! - becomes unavailable to chat, I get a bit antsy. Not that I don't have a bajillion other things to do with my time. But I think perhaps I am addicted to chat.
And what isn't there to like? If a particular chat buddy is in any way literate, the instant gratification is hard to beat. Sure, online its pretty much impossible to create that heady chemistry that makes you swim with desire, but it can get pretty damn close. Ok, so the Ex from Hell was able to do it with me, but that relationship wasn't the healthiest of passions.
So when, two nights in a row, I found myself sans chat buddy, I felt a bit empty and unsure of what to do with myself. Yes I have a stack of fascinating books I've been meaning to devour, and I could quite easily play an hour or two of Final Fantasy 8, my new obsession. But I want to feel attractive, desired and intelligent right NOW! At midnight on a weeknight.
Usually Goblin and I feed our compulsive chat addictions nightly with either a debate about the merits and drawbacks of jumping the Behinder or a circular argument about why him and I aren't dating each other (answer: because I'm still stuck on the Behinder, obviously, and I know Goblin too well to put him in the potential rebound position).
Then there is the Farmer, where up until two days ago we'd been chatting for hours every morning and night about taboo topics such as ex's, diseases of the colon, friends with benefits, and the acceptability of being a carnivore. I've never even met the guy and I realize I miss our unpredictable sittings.
Of course there is the Behinder, with whom I usually shoot the shit with at least once a day depending on his work schedule. Yes, yes. We live mere meters from one another. And when we see each other, invariably one of us has a book or game to share with the other; me some literary smut like Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden, and him Warren Ellis' Transmetropolitan. Behinder however is out of town visiting friends for six days, and although he's occasionally been online, I've chosen the route of space-giver due to our last conversation (And You Say Women Are Confusing?), as well as the fact that I have a sneaky suspicion that part of his visit is to meet up with one of the gals he left me for eight or so months ago. Still, as my sister informed and reminded me just yesterday, I love the guy. Truly, completely, unconditionally - and its obvious. I'm missing him more than the rest combined.
There's also an ex-gf who I'll just refer to as S; we talk once in a while late-night too, but she's now a single mom with a 2-year-old, so I don't see her online as often as I used to. S always gives me perspective while openly sharing her affection for me . S is great for the ego - and yet another reason why I'm so addicted to chat.
I think I'll take a chat break this weekend. More hiking, less computer. Yeah.
So… He Didn’t Stand Me Up
Better Than Sex Guy just couldn't find me. After an hour of driving around, he gave up.
Silly me, I should have remembered he was new to town.
So, pre-date#1 is postponed.. until Sunday afternoon or Monday.
What If He’s Only Had Friends with Benefits?
So the Farmer lives about 1.5hrs South of me (I think), but he doesn't see that as a stumbling block to dating. I thought to myself, if he doesn't think its that big a deal, why should I? So we chat. Still. Often. Usually twice a day.
I was curious as to what he wanted to get out of our MSN-based interactions, because most men I've talked to online seem to want to meet right away. Which has always been fine by me, because I'm not a fan of chatting forever, falling in love online and THEN meeting face to face. Nah, too many expectations. I'd rather get the whole picture as soon as possible, and I'd much rather have my relationships exist in flesh and bloody goodness.
The Farmer, on the other hand, would much rather chat and get to know each other at length before meeting. His reasoning? (You already know, c'mon now... its always a dating disaster story). A psycho first date with a woman who basically started stalking him afterwards. She didn't even post a picture of herself online, but rather someone else. (Her sister? Roommate? I can't remember).
Curious, I ask more about the Farmer's dating experiences. He seems to have a fairly dark view of meeting women online (understandably), and rarely find people he even finds remotely interesting. Lucky me, I passed the first few tests.
And then he drops The Whopper For Which I Was Not Prepared: he isn't fond of dating. In fact, his last two "relationships" were friends with benefits situations that lasted a "long long time".
I fumbled around for words after his admission, and ended up signing off earlier than normal to think a bit.
I hate friends with benefits. Truly hate it. Boots to those who can make it work without hurt feelings, but I have yet to see or experience a 'successful' FWB first-hand. And if it isn't already obvious, I'm sore on the subject because I've been made a friend with benefits a few times without being told.
Here's what bugs me: FWB is basically a cop-out to avoid actual intimacy with another human being. Something is being filled (literally!) but the actual joy of intercourse is being thrown out the window completely. Its the same reason why I don't enjoy sex doggy-style; I cannot connect with my partner. What irks me even more are the men who have FWB relationships exclusively. They are essentially emotionally unavailable (as opposed to emotionally distant), and that's definitely NOT what I am looking for.
So do I keep on talking to this guy, knowing he's already told me what I need to know?
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