After a year and a bit, we aren't anywhere near where many couples run to after only three months of dating. You know what I mean; the folks that are ooey gooey with one another, telling each other, "I love you!" ad nauseum and moving in after barely finding out each other's last names. No, we're pretty low key. The L word hasn't been spoken, there's no moving in talk, and we don't even refer to one another as boyfriend and girlfriend. Partners, yes.

So what happened to all the other folks already mentioned? A brief recap:

• Never heard from The Mechanic again after our first and only date;
• I moved away so that Behinder no longer lived behind me, and he moved the gf he left me for into his home. We talk maybe twice a year, when he contacts me to see how I'm doing;
• The Farmer and I never met, although we still chat occasionally;
• Goblin and I continued to hang out/chat platonically until recently. When he decided to meet a single mom who lived out of town by planning to stay at her home for their first weekend visit, I became quite upset and he didn't understand why.
• Better Than Sex Guy? I'm at a loss as to figure out who that was. I will soon and repost. EDIT: Alrighty, I went back and looked. The dude who stood me up and blew me off?! Why on earth he got so much air time in this blog is beyond me now. I'd completely forgotten about him.

Technorati Tags: Behinder, Better Than Sex Guy, Farmer Guy, Goblin, my dates, The Dude, The Mechanic

Its been a doozy of a year. Behinder has taken up most of my emotional currency, even after spending more than six months of the year not talking to him. I recently had to eat crow and ask him for help with someTHING only he could do (wow, Freudian misspelling there), and he was more than willing (even eager) to become a part of my life again. Even told me that he felt nothing but "remorse, regret and arousal" for me/the situation. But of course, he's still dating the STD Nurse -- a moniker given because she's a nurse, and she gave him an STD -- the woman who lives three hours away that he left me for. Last we spoke, he asked me what he had to do so we could be friends again, and I advised him at the very least, it was to come completely clean with STD Nurse about my role in his life, and what he did to me. He assured me a month ago, before a three-week long trip to visit said-gal, that he would. Haven't heard boo about the topic since. Methinks he didn't.

Otherwise, I dated a man 11 years my junior for about a month during the summer, but that ended in a blaze of smoke and weirdness. There isn't a nice way to explain why it didn't work out; he's just not a smart man. Which, I've learned, is a mandatory on my itsy bitsy list of must-haves.

I've met four other men this year:

• Better Than Sex Guy, who has full custody of a child that isn't his biological son, and who blew me and all dates off after running into me randomly on the street;
• Goblin, who as per his request I shall not write about other to comment on discussions we've had;
• The Erotica Writer, a military man on medical leave that lives a couple of blocks away. Some potential deal-breakers here, therefore I don't think it'll go anywhere other than friendship;
• Recently Separated Mover, an older gent who contacted me just before moving clear across the country. I felt no attraction towards this man, both when he showed me his photos and when we met, but he seemed to feel differently and would unexpectedly run into me at a regular haunt of mine regularly, until he met a gal closer to him in age that he started dating; and
• The DJ, who told me within 10 minutes of meeting that he thought we'd be "better off as friends with benefits. What do you think?" Its too bad, because he was by far the most interesting of the lot.

I've also chatted with a handful of men this year that I never got the chance to meet:

• Crazy Ass Dude, an out of towner with some serious drug addictions and trust issues. I think he may call me Crazy Ass Chick... I wasn't too nice and called him on his shit, thus blowing up any probability of ever meeting;
• Stu. Couldn't come up with a better handle. We talked on the phone a fair amount earlier in the year, but when he told me a drawn-out story about a woman who'd accused him of raping her (charges were dropped), I took a step back and stopped initiating contact. It seems he did the same;
• Arctic Black, another out of towner who I loved chatting with, but he lived a good four hours away, so it seemed pointless to continue;
• Beaton, an ex from many years ago who got married earlier this year. I introduced him to poly relationships while we were together, and he's now adopted the lifestyle as his own (with his wife's full participation and approval). Later this year he admitted he still had a thing for me, and even though his wife thought he was bonkers for considering it, he "knew" we'd be together again at some point. It's all chat, nothing has happened and I'm doubtful anything ever will, but he's helped me process a lot of relationship crap recently I probably couldn't have otherwise;
• Hamish. He looks an awful lot like Behinder, which I'm ashamed to admit is why I contacted him when I noticed him looking at my online dating profile. We've become fast friends, although he's in a relationship and has been pretty much since we 'met'. Still, the lines are a bit blurry with him, and I have to wonder what would happen if we ever did meet face to face, even though he too lives about three or four hours away.
• The Farmer, another out of towner who has become a favorite chat buddy, but whom I doubt I'll ever meet face to face;
• The Mechanic, who I've been talking with for a couple of months now. Always good for a giggle, I enjoy our chats but haven't been able to nail him down to a time and place to meet. Next week looks promising though... perhaps it'll happen before New Years'. One can hope.

Technorati Tags: artic black, beaton, Behinder, Better Than Sex Guy, crazy ass dude, deal breakers, erotica writer, farmer, Goblin, hamish, mechanic, new years eve, ones who got away, recently seperated mover, single dads, stu, The DJ

To me, those are signs. Cliches even. (He's Just Not That Into You?) If a man can't make time, for a first date or a third, then I'm not sure why I want to either.

I'm still a bit bummed by it all though. I get a bit misty over the holidays sometimes. I love giving gifts, finding that perfect present that makes my loved ones' eyes light up with joy. And I do this for my friends and family... but its just not the same when you're dating someone. Shows like Ugly Betty don't help either. I find myself longing for one character in particular (Gio) to make a real-life appearance in my life.

I even threw this little itty bitty character crush off a friend earlier today to see if I was out to lunch. "Is my want for someone to sweep me off my feet with everyday romance a bit fucked up?" I boldly queried. "Nah," he told me. "There are men like that everywhere."

I'm still thinking about this one and until I figure it out, I have a feeling I'll be dateless.

Technorati Tags: dateless, longing, romance, sweep me off my feet, The Mechanic

It started when I shared the comments of, interestingly enough, one of the same people who has been jeering me about still having feelings for the guy. "You need the sense fucked into you," he said. I might as well come up with a name for the guy, since I've mentioned him twice now. Er... yes. The Goblin, because it suits his personality well.

Goblin was harassing me about having hot and heavy sex talks with behinder on a semi-regular basis. Prompted by me? No, no, definitely not. Behinder would go out of his way to try and bring up past shared sexual experiences to gauge my reaction, or tease me with things he knew I found arousing. His coup de gras was getting me to masturbate after getting so excited that I couldn't help myself. Not in his presence mind you. Just online via chat. Of course, he was doing the same thing.

Was it wrong? It felt wrong, but oh-so-right at the same time. Later, much later, I found out that he was dating the STD nurse during this whole eight month long fiasco. She had no idea at the time what her boyfriend was doing with me, nor did she know of the overlap between us when they first met. Eventually she 'forgave him' his transgressions, because "nothing physical ever happened". Whatever helps you sleep at night, right?

When I found out about him having a girlfriend while seducing me yet again, I blew up. Wasn't pretty, but was drawn out. I felt betrayed in ways I couldn't describe - even more so than if we'd done the deed (again). Why? Because to me, the seduction was more intimate than any sexual encounter Behinder and I had shared - and we'd shared some intensely personal sessions. And so now, I won't talk sex with an ex - because I know now that (a) he's probably got someone else I don't know about, and (b) its so much more intimate for me to get in my head than get in my pants.

Technorati Tags: Behinder, betrayal, Goblin, intimacy, online chat, seduction, sex, std nurse

The Farmer decided that he had to tell me he was going on a non-date with a woman he'd made out with before last Saturday night. The non-date (his words) were to occur at a pool with her in her bikini, which he assured me was a very good thing. Before I could ask why this was important information for him to share, he was gone. The next day, he tells me he was too sick from some sort of food poisoning to "do her again" in the morning, aka morning sex. He still was adamant it wasn't a date. Suddenly, he seemed to realize how inappropriate his rantings were, and mentioned he was doing a pretty good job of putting his foot in his mouth. I haven't bothered talking to him since.

A series of strange events with Better than Sex Guy has had me calling him at his request, and him not picking up or returning my calls, although when I ran into him on the street the other day (completely unawares it was him at first - he looks quite a bit older than his pics in person), he made me promise to call him again. So, I did, one last time, to invite him to the farmer's market. He ignored me, I went anyway, and lo and behold who do I run into as I'm leaving? Him, his son, and a very attractive young redhead, who waved and said hello to me while I tried to get Better than Sex Guy's attention. Somehow he never saw me, so I chatted briefly with the woman at his side. When I got home, I had an email from him stating his son's mom was in town, so this weekend was bad for him - but what's going on on Canada Day? Yeah, no.

Behinder and I have chatted a bit since the big fallout the other day, but nothing has been resolved. We even ran into each other on the street the next day; for some reason I'd chosen to get all dolled up before leaving the house, so as soon as he spotted me, he plastered a shit-eating grin all over his face. Still, I have to wonder about a man who extolls my virtues and amazingness, knows I've wanted him by my side for almost two years, yet pulls a little emo side story as an excuse why he can't date me anymore, and finds the fastest, quickest gal to casually start dating. *sigh*

So that's the sad state of my dating life right now: no dates with which to speak of. Just weird coincidences and behavior from a bunch of motley fools.

Technorati Tags: Behinder, Better Than Sex Guy, farmer, morning sex, the non-date, weird coincidences

If he doesn't love me that absolutely, or (okay, let's be honest here) doesn't show signs of being about to become the kind of person who wants to be the first in the emergency room with me when I'm full of tubes and needles, when my life or death is visible in little green zig-zaggy lines and audible in beeps, when my face can barely be seen under the sheets and the masks, when the nurse checks every few minutes to write things down on the clipboard - then I don't know if I can find within myself the emotional energy to do the things to his penis that give him such exquisite pleasure.

Although I may be a bit more torn about the reasons why I enjoy sex (I quite like being in a position of power that allows me to pleasure a lovely penis), I agree that this feeling she's describing is a familiar one to me. Why can't we, as empowered, sexual women, have it all?

Technorati Tags: empowered, sex, sexagenarian in the city

And what isn't there to like? If a particular chat buddy is in any way literate, the instant gratification is hard to beat. Sure, online its pretty much impossible to create that heady chemistry that makes you swim with desire, but it can get pretty damn close. Ok, so the Ex from Hell was able to do it with me, but that relationship wasn't the healthiest of passions.

So when, two nights in a row, I found myself sans chat buddy, I felt a bit empty and unsure of what to do with myself. Yes I have a stack of fascinating books I've been meaning to devour, and I could quite easily play an hour or two of Final Fantasy 8, my new obsession. But I want to feel attractive, desired and intelligent right NOW! At midnight on a weeknight.

Usually Goblin and I feed our compulsive chat addictions nightly with either a debate about the merits and drawbacks of jumping the Behinder or a circular argument about why him and I aren't dating each other (answer: because I'm still stuck on the Behinder, obviously, and I know Goblin too well to put him in the potential rebound position).

Then there is the Farmer, where up until two days ago we'd been chatting for hours every morning and night about taboo topics such as ex's, diseases of the colon, friends with benefits, and the acceptability of being a carnivore. I've never even met the guy and I realize I miss our unpredictable sittings.

Of course there is the Behinder, with whom I usually shoot the shit with at least once a day depending on his work schedule. Yes, yes. We live mere meters from one another. And when we see each other, invariably one of us has a book or game to share with the other; me some literary smut like Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden, and him Warren Ellis' Transmetropolitan. Behinder however is out of town visiting friends for six days, and although he's occasionally been online, I've chosen the route of space-giver due to our last conversation (And You Say Women Are Confusing?), as well as the fact that I have a sneaky suspicion that part of his visit is to meet up with one of the gals he left me for eight or so months ago. Still, as my sister informed and reminded me just yesterday, I love the guy. Truly, completely, unconditionally - and its obvious. I'm missing him more than the rest combined.

There's also an ex-gf who I'll just refer to as S; we talk once in a while late-night too, but she's now a single mom with a 2-year-old, so I don't see her online as often as I used to. S always gives me perspective while openly sharing her affection for me . S is great for the ego - and yet another reason why I'm so addicted to chat.

I think I'll take a chat break this weekend. More hiking, less computer. Yeah.

Technorati Tags: addicted to chat, Behinder, dating chat, ex from hell, farmer, Goblin

So anyway... when I was looking for reprint permission for the quote from yesterday about men not wanting what they have (Just What I Needed To Hear), I found another Q&A from Christian Carter about emotionally distant men.

Hm. I don't think I gave this guy enough credit the first time around. Here's the Q&A, also in its entirety; I'll comment further in another post later on today when I have a chance.

Technorati Tags: Behinder, christian carter

I mean really now. Do we need a paragraph break after EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE?

I think not.

So I usually ignore emails from Christian Carter or articles written by him. But for some reason, I read his piece in Date.com's newsletter today about winning a guy back. One line in particular, I swear, was written just for little ole me:

If a man doesn't know what he wants, he generally doesn't want what he's got.

Succinct, to the point, and a bit too close to home. Could this be my answer to the million dollar question: Its Not You. Its Me?

Technorati Tags: christian carter, dating cliches

Sometimes these betrayals have stung longer than they should have, but most I just look back at with gratitude. Meaning: I'm very thankful that I found out early on what kind of men they were. And frankly, of the men who intimated something was missing, only one touched my heart.

But this theme makes me wonder. Is saying, "It's not you, it's me?" just a cop-out now? Does it really mean diddly squat? Is it just the easy way out? Or is there sort of dating deal breaker I'm sporting that only becomes readily apparent around the six week mark? One that is so elusive and/or fear-inducing, that it instills an immediate cease and desist.

Technorati Tags: betrayal, dealbreakers, something is missing, the talk