1000 web dates an in-the-trenches view of dating and relationships today

29Jun/083

Heartbroken

I hate using the word heartbroken, because it reminds me of some sort of emo-filled teen angst song. But right now, that's about how I feel.

Behinder has finally come clean with me. He's sorry for leading me on and acting seductively, he says because of his "emotional idiocy", he didn't think what it would do to me. But yes, he's been dating STD Nurse for eight months now, and he has no intention of changing that anytime soon.

So he not only purposefully hid this tidbit from me, but he went out of his way to tell me he was only casually dating instead of the "not casual" relationship he's having. She's even visited him here (they live three hours apart), and, lucky me, he decided to tell me that she "wears him out" when she visits. Tactless, yes, but I was blown away that he'd tolerate once-a-month sex, considering he's ended relationships in the past because he didn't get once-a-day sex.

Interestingly, he also shared that if they were not dating, its possible he'd pursue something with me again. Because there isn't any of sort incompatibility between us; just his own dumbass mistakes.

Supposedly he's telling STD Nurse his transgressions with me - namely, not telling her he was with me when he started fooling around with her, as well as his repeated attempts to get me to masturbate, because he "loved" getting me to that place so often. Also supposedly, STD Nurse doesn't care, because its "not physical".

Is anyone else buying the bullshit? I'm sure as hell not.

So I told Behinder today that he'd pulled one too many stunts with me. He leveraged both our relationship and our friendship so he could date this woman, a deceitful, manipulative "sweet" girl. I said I hoped the charade was all worth it, because he'd utterly humiliated me. He didn't deserve my love or friendship, even though he had both, unconditionally.

If anyone has some good 'purge-the-ex' ideas, I'm all ears. I've run into Behinder now twice in two days, and it sucks. Hugely. Although it might be fun to run into him when he's with the STD Nurse... I can think of a lot of things I'd love to tell her.

18Jun/080

Contextually…

So I had two people ask me to email them or post here the Christian Carter/Date.com newsletter clip I spoke of yesterday. Fair enough. I checked with Carter's folks, and they have no issue with me reprinting it, so here it is in its entirety.

Yes, I'll readily admit this is a much longer post than what I'd normally put up in this blog. Ok, I'm impatient too. But it helped me to clarify a few things I'd conveniently wiped from my memory to avoid the truth, as well as gave me some more questions to think about in relation to the Behinder's recent admission (And You Say Women Are Confusing?)




Q&A: How Do I Get Him Back?

This time I'm sharing a great question from a reader.

It's a question I get all the time from women that points out a common misunderstanding women have about men.

Reader:

Dear Christian,

I'm sorry but I need to ask you a question. I need advice and help. Me and my ex have been together off and on many times, recently we just broke up and now he's dating someone else. (he doesn't know what he wants). But I know he still has very big feelings for me and I want advice and help on getting him back. Even though he's dating someone right now, he still has feelings for me, and I need help on getting him back with me and not with her.

Please help!

Sincerely,
Needy and Hopeless

My Answer:

Thanks for writing, your email has about 147 great things here.

Let's look at a few of them...

The first important issue is that you're ignoring all the important signs your ex is giving you.

Men send a ton of silent “signals” that are out there waiting for women to tune into and pick up on.

And to learn from.

Some of these signals that men send are indirect and unintentional - but others men know they're sending out.

Please don't be naive.

Wake up!

Realize what's going on here.

If he's dating someone else, you've got to start moving on.

That's a direct and intentional signal.

He doesn't share your feelings of wanting to get back together in a committed relationship with you.

If you challenge this idea, you need to recognize something important...

That he's not in the right place in his life to share what you want with him.

What you really need for yourself is to find a healthy way to take some of the focus off of him and put it back on you and your life.

This doesn't mean you have to go out and date right now, but you need to take your mind off him.

I know it's hard to do this when you still have intense feelings for him.

But the simple truth is that you're setting yourself up for ALL KINDS of pain and disappointment...

Yeah, I've seen couples get back together like this - but the odds are things don't look good for this old relationship.

The more you can distance yourself from your ex whose dating another woman, the happier you'll be.

Trust me.

And I know doing this is tough, but you've got to do it if you're going to find your way to a new and improved situation - with or without him.

Here's something else critical going on for you...

You're making a lot of assumptions about HIS feelings when you say “he has very strong feelings for me.”

Do the math.

You know he's dating someone else.

By thinking about how you believe he FEELS inside is only keeping you stuck on him and your beliefs about the good person he can be and how great things COULD be together.

Let me put it another way-

What are his actions and behaviors saying?

If you listen to the signals your ex is sending you, you'll see that his “feelings” he shares are just his way of holding onto you for his own comfort and benefit.

Why wouldn't he want to keep you around if he's “unavailable” to really commit - because being with the other woman and still being connected to you keeps him from being fully involved in any real situation with either of you.

He's already dating another woman.

That should give you a clear idea of where his mind is at (not focused on getting back with you) and what his “feelings” TRULY are.

Here's what I want you to do first and foremost...

Think about making some decisions for YOURSELF.

Right now it sounds like your waiting for him to make all the decisions.

Think about what YOU WANT to be happy, and remember all the things your ex has done and said to let you
know he's not committed to sharing his love with you.

If you give him and yourself some space, a funny thing might happen you won't expect...

Your ex-boyfriend won't have the comfort of two women who both want his affection.

He won't know that you're still there waiting for him - and this will trigger thoughts and actions in him that will ultimately help resolve your situation.

Until then...

For your own well-being, it's important you let him know he can't keep sharing his intimate feelings with you while he's dating another woman.

HERE'S A RULE YOU NEED TO REMEMEBER:

****
Never allow men who have “someone else” in their life to keep sharing and expressing their feelings for you.
****


It's wrong on several levels... for you most of all.

When a man can have the affection of two women, and he's in a place where he's emotionally non-committed to either, odds are he will try to keep this situation going for as long as possible!

Not all men would do this, but men who are “unavailable”, as it sounds your ex is, can continue multiple intimate situations at once.

You don't want to date a man that's in this place in his life... and I know because I've been this guy in my past!

NO AMOUNT of talking, experience or reasoning with him can get him to feel the way you want him to feel.

You can't change a man's emotional depth and where he's at in his life.

“Getting him back” is a bad idea.

Rarely does this give you what you think you want.

It's a losing battle, and you're going to end up being hurt or upset again as you undoubtedly keep moving farther and farther away from what YOU ideally want and closer and closer to whatever strange and unhealthy situation he's creating.

If you feel like you HAVE to see this through, then be careful. You're going against the odds.

Don't be “that girl”.

And I promise that you'll ruin your chances if you think you can “convince” him to come back to you
through shows of affection, appeals to his desires or other “gifts” to bribe him.

I've watched this EXACT thing unfold so many times.

IT DOESN'T WORK!

Instead, you should think about the times you've broken up and the times you've seen that he wasn't personally ready for a relationship.

Those things are as real as the strong feelings and emotions you feel that keeps you coming back.

Use the issues and challenges you had together as a guide or a reminder of what's keeping you two apart now.

And once you start doing this, I think you're going to be strangely surprised at what starts to happen for you...

Once your guy notices that he doesn't have you waiting around for him like a puppy dog to figure it out, while he's off doing god knows what with other women, there's going to be a big change in his attitude and behavior.

It doesn't make “sense”, but that's how it WORKS.

****
THE CRITICAL SKILLS OF UNDERSTANDING MEN'S SIGNALS AND IDENTIFYING GOOD MEN FROM “UNAVAILABLE TOADS”...
****

You've got to learn to understand and identify “EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE” men.

If a man doesn't know what he wants, he generally doesn't want what he's got.

This may sound harsh, but it's the truth of the situation. And even when it isn't completely true, it's a good rule to go by.

A good man who is the right person and wants to be with you will find his own way to his “Emotional Truth”.

If his truth is that he wants to be with you, or not be with you, you have to respect that.

But I see women do it all the time.

The guy will be sending all kinds of subtle (or even direct) signs that he's not “available” or interested in something “serious”, but the woman ignores them and just pays attention to the fact that he likes being with her when they're together.

In other words, she substitutes the physical connection, or even the occasional emotional connection, for the real relationship she wants to be in.

WRONG!

Men have a different “love equation” from women:

A strong connection does NOT necessarily equal any interest in a relationship.

That's why it's CRITICAL that women learn to read the signals that a man sends about where he's at.

Because he's surely not going to just lay it all out there for you.

I promise.

If he does, write me an email, tell me all about it, and give me his mailing address so I can send him his prize.

When a guy isn't interested in a relationship, and he's doing something like seeing other women, here's
what most women start doing that makes things go from bad to worse...

They start trying to “fix” things, and “fix” the guy.

And then comes the “convincing” behavior, trying to convince the man that they are the right one for him, and that because they have such a great connection, a loving “relationship” is the only right way to go.

I know, it sounds bizarre.

Why would a man have a great woman and a great connection with her that felt amazing when they were together, and not want a relationship?

I'll get to that later...

The thing I'm worried about here for you is that in trying to get your guy back, you're making these mistakes that are like “man-repellent”.

So I'll say it again.

You can't convince a man to want to be with you.

I don't know the specifics surrounding your off-and-on with the ex, but it speaks volumes.

Especially when it's combined with him not “knowing what he wants”.

This is CLASSIC man-speak for “I'm not emotionally available and I'm not ready for a real relationship”.

When he can't get in touch with his feelings and isn't open to exploring them, it's a text-book case of unavailability.

I don't mean that he can't share feelings or some level of intimacy with you...

In fact, I'm sure he still likes to connect with you when things are easy-going and he's not feeling “pressure” around you.

But your ex sharing his feelings with you can easily confuse you into thinking that he is potentially the right guy and ready for a long term relationship.

I'm sure you've seen this since you've been back and forth with him. But when a guy is unavailable, he has a fear of getting deeper into a relationship that he knows he's not ready for.

In his own way he's tried to tell you this several times.

Here's what he's saying:

Yes, I have “feelings” for you.

And no... that doesn't mean I want to be in a relationship with you and be faithful.

Take some time to think about the past with your ex, and then compare that to what will honestly make YOU happy, and what kind of relationship you want in your future.

If you're honest about it with yourself, I don't think he'll fit well into that based on his actions and behavior.

Put more value on his actions, not his words.

Get back to the things that you enjoy, the places you like to go and avoid places or things you used to do or see with your ex.

Spend some time with your friends and give yourself the space you deserve.

The less you talk about your ex and this situation for now, the better off you'll be.

And I think you'll be amazed at the results.

First, I think you'll just plain old feel better.

But even better than that, you'll be breaking the old connection that you had with your “x”.

And as counterintuitive as it sounds, breaking out of your old connection is actually the thing that's going to change the situation for you the most and help get you the results you want.

Right now, your convincing him and your wanting him back, even when he's with another woman, is making you come off in all kinds of ways that men just don't respond well to.

I know it seems like the best idea to keep trying to stay in touch with him and keep the connection alive.

But the truth is that you're just keeping this same old situation alive by pumping your time and attention into it.

If instead, you step back and stop chasing him or trying to convince him you're the right woman, you'll have an opportunity to do something that can honestly be ATTRACTIVE to him-

You first leave a space that he'll not recognize and not understand, which will first get him thinking about you and then wondering why you aren't acting the way you used to.

Men love “new” things and curiosities.

Plus, you'll also be able to give him the space he's tried asking you for in his retarded emotionally unavailable “man-speak”.

Something funny happens when a man gets the space he asked for-

If you do it in the right way, he's forced to deal with himself and his own feelings to figure out that all the things he is worried about, afraid of, fearful of “committing to”, etc.

And being by himself, he'll see that these things are really just in his own mind - and not bad things about YOU.

In other words - he won't keep taking all the old “stuff” from the past that wasn't working and keep identifying it with YOU.

But you've to go know the way to “re-wire” the connection once you've broken the old one.

And if you can do this, I guarantee he'll come calling wondering about you.

In my ebook, “Catch Him And Keep Him”, I spell out specific ways to communicate with men that will help you build that new connection.

There are several psychological and behavioral “keys” that will help to open a man up.

And just as important, they will make him feel that electric spark of ATTRACTION with you again.

I'm talking about the kind of attraction that gets a guy feeling, at a deep level, that he wants to
be with you right now AND far into the future.

This goes for the “unavailable” guys too that seem to keep withdrawing and don't communicate much about their feelings or what they want.

These guys are the toughest ones.

If there's just ONE PIECE OF ADVICE that holds more power for women than any other when it comes to men, it's this concept of only dating emotionally available men.

In my ebook, I also talk about how to identify good men from the “unavailable” ones.

If you're dating, wouldn't it be great to know what kind of guy you're dealing with FROM THE START?

And if think you're already got an unavailable guy on your hands, and you're wondering what you can do after all the frustrating disappointments that have gone on...

There's AN ENTIRE SECTION of the book dedicated to helping you both understand the emotional world of a
man (yikes, right!) and how to lead him to a better way of being with and understanding you.

So make the choice to do something about your love- life and create the situation you want in your life.

Go check out my ebook now.

You can download it and be reading it in just a couple of minutes.

Check it out here:

Thanks for reading and best of luck in life and love.

Your Friend,

Christian Carter




©Copyright 2008, Catch Him Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright materials used by permission.
“Catch Him And Keep Him” and “Christian Carter”
are trademarks of Catch Him Inc.

17Jun/080

Just What I Needed To Hear

I've read Christian Carter's "Catch Him and Keep Him". It was an interesting, if rambling read. Nothing really new in the eBook, and if he'd presented the information in a more logical manner, I probably would be extolling more of its virtues right now. But as it stands , it felt like the author was just trying to create more white space and/or increase the length of the eBook.

I mean really now. Do we need a paragraph break after EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE?

I think not.

So I usually ignore emails from Christian Carter or articles written by him. But for some reason, I read his piece in Date.com's newsletter today about winning a guy back. One line in particular, I swear, was written just for little ole me:

If a man doesn't know what he wants, he generally doesn't want what he's got.

Succinct, to the point, and a bit too close to home. Could this be my answer to the million dollar question: Its Not You. Its Me?

16Jun/080

And You Say Women Are Confusing?

A chat with the Behinder yesterday left me more confused than ever. In a nutshell: we met and dated briefly before we were forced to part ways geographically for a year. It was later admitted we were 'falling for each other'. Yet when we reconnected, he felt something was missing. We're still friends and talk often.

Him: i'm trying to keep from getting too involved. does that sound reasonable?
Me: ew. That sounds horrible, but yes, I get it.
Him: i would be extremely uncomfortable if you jumped me, for instance, but I am unsure as to what my reaction would be.
Him: whether my instincts would take over
Him: so I try to keep some sort of distance between us. its not much. but enough.

Anyone speak guy-ese? Care to decipher?

16Jun/080

Its Not You. It’s Me.

I've noticed a theme in the past couple of years in my dating life. I meet someone, its intense and lovely, and things are humming along nicely for a month or two. Then I'm suddenly sideswiped by The Talk: he's met someone else and its already in full swing. When I ask what happened between us, I'm given a similar answer by each: something is missing. I don't know what it is. Sorry I hurt you. You deserve better.

Sometimes these betrayals have stung longer than they should have, but most I just look back at with gratitude. Meaning: I'm very thankful that I found out early on what kind of men they were. And frankly, of the men who intimated something was missing, only one touched my heart.

But this theme makes me wonder. Is saying, "It's not you, it's me?" just a cop-out now? Does it really mean diddly squat? Is it just the easy way out? Or is there sort of dating deal breaker I'm sporting that only becomes readily apparent around the six week mark? One that is so elusive and/or fear-inducing, that it instills an immediate cease and desist.

30Apr/086

Does He Like Me?

At one point in time, he did. It all started with My Favorite Date, and we even dated for a few short weeks before I had to leave town. It was magical and amazing when it happened, and I still kick myself for leaving when I did. More than a year later we reunited, but things had changed. Something was missing he said, even though he readily admits he was in the midst of falling for me when we first met.

At one point in time we lived across the country from each other, but several years have passed and now our homes lie mere meters from one another.

We've both dated since; he countless other women (my head swims a bit trying to keep track of each one), whereas I had one fellow who broke my heart once and for all after years of back-and-forth withdrawals, and one young gal whose relationship with me was exceptionally short lived. I was willing to end everything with everyone for him, whereas two of the women he dated he chose to pursue instead of dating me again.

He's since admitted to me that he can be stupid to verifiably ridiculous proportions, and that sometimes he thinks with the wrong head.

Strangely, none of that matters to me. I still get twitterpated when I see him. He came over for a visit tonight.

There is undeniable chemistry between us still, and conversations flow like good wine, varying from the mundane to the risque and back again. We are both currently single and dateless.

Although we shared nothing more than great conversation this evening, it felt very much like the time spent during our first few encounters. Was it a date? Does he like me? Again? More?

I feel silly and childish to admit: I'm afraid to ask.

12Mar/080

Frustration

I don't get it. I'm talking to various people through online dating sites. But for the life of me, I can't seem to get from the online chat to real-world meeting. I'm finding it incredibly frustrating.

It used to be that I'd talk to someone for a couple of days - not long enough to build too many expectations, but long enough to know if there was enough common ground to yak for an hour or two over coffee. A phone call usually came out of it within a week, if not a full-fledged date. And I distinctly remember men falling over themselves to ask for a date, and I was the one holding off just a bit longer to make sure they were someone I wanted to meet.

Now? The interest is there, but the intentions seem.. different. More libidinous, less respectful. Less about getting to know who I am, and more trying to jump into something serious without the commitment.

Am I crazy? Is it just me? Or has online dating evolved into a smarmy pickup bar?

8Feb/080

Decisions, Decisions. Do I Keep My Mouth Shut?

I have an ex from hell. Okay, I may be exaggerating just a wee bit there. What do you call a man who betrayed you in the worst way possible not once, but thrice? Anyway. I'm thankful there is only one of him.

I've been advised said Ex-from-Hell (EfH) is moving in with his newest gal pal, who he just recently met while his last girlfriend was still pregnant with his kid. (Like I said, he's a real winner. What was I thinking?!) Unfortunately, EfH's gal also has a child of her own.

I realize there are many problems with this scenario already. Why do I know this? Why do I care? But let's ignore that for the time being. Here's my dilemma: EfH is still trolling the dating sites, specifically freebie OkCupid.com. Frequently. With a profile that says he's childless, single, recently out of a long-term relationship so he's "not looking", but eventually would like "...a woman I not only want, but need". Funny, he used that line on me once.

EfH may say that he's only on the site for the tests. Which would be believable, since OkCupid focuses specifically on user-generated tests to determine compatibility. Problem is, EfH's number of questions answered and compatibility markers haven't changed. For well over a year, maybe longer.


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Now normally, I wouldn't care. Normally I'd feel a twinge of sadness that he still hadn't grown up and was putting more innocent people through a hell of their own. And then I'd stop the thought process and move on, knowing (from experience) that the only way EfH could attract anyone new was if the person in question had very little self-esteem or self-respect. No one is going to take care of us if we can't first take care of ourselves.

But I digress. Do I keep my mouth shut? Would you? Advice people, advice! There are kidlets involved here.

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17Jul/071

Embarassing Sex Questions Answered…

... by a renowned sex therapist on mtvU - the MTV site geared towards college and university students. Email castme [at] mtv [dot] com with the name of the school you attend, your question, and SEX QUESTION in the subject line.

I'm interested to see what kinds of questions come up myself. ;)