1000 web dates an in-the-trenches view of dating and relationships today

The Plot Thickens

Behinder finally admitted to me yesterday that he's been dating the woman I've dubbed the STD Nurse: the nurse-in-training he unceremoniously left me for, who in turn gave him a (luckily) innocuous STD.

I started the conversation with eight points I wanted to make:

• I feel ashamed and foolish because of how you chose to interact with me.
• You took the easy way out with this entire situation, the whole time (and continue to), and I am very angry with you for that.
• I find this cycle of "sweet" yet manipulative/deceitful women to be abhorrent, and I am furious with you for continuing to make excuses for these women's behaviors.
• You completely disregarded me as a supposed good friend.
• We've been having intimate conversations/interactions, which, although not technically cheating are COMPLETELY inappropriate between two people where one is dating someone else.
• Because of the last point, I'm now the kind of woman I never wanted to be - again - because of your poor judgment. I may not seem to be the most moral of women, but I do have a strict moral code that I refuse to break. I may not like STD Nurse's actions or behavior, but I would have NEVER encouraged or initiated anything had I known.
• I feel you've placed higher value (based on your actions) for a relative stranger rather than one of your supposed closest friends, and being that you've said several times you'd never be friends with STD Nurse if you weren't having sex with her, this devalues our interactions.
• Your excuse that "she was always around" when you were visiting your friends as an excuse to continue dating STD Nurse is ridiculous, and sounds like something more appropriate coming from a 14-year-old.

So he counters with, "you keep going back to it, yet you still never answer my question, which is , If you hadn't forgiven me for it, why still talk to me?" and I answered, yelling, "Because you told me to wait." (He did. Specifically, he'd assured me things would get better in a couple of months, and that I was worth the wait. A couple of hours later, he was bopping the STD Nurse).

And then I explain my definition of love, which is essentially to see the nasty in someone, and STILL care about them. I said that I realized I did, realized my errors, knew damn well that I was fucked up at the time, and was being patient, working on my own stuff. He counters with, "that is love to me too," to which I reply, "aha, so that's why you're running to poor STD Nurse's maligned side." He said nothing.

He then said that STD Nurse knew he flirts with me, and thinks its harmless. I explained that what we'd been doing was well beyond flirting, and he bloody well knows it. He agreed.

Then he tells me he obviously can't change my mind, to which I am puzzled. I ask, "I didn't realize changing my mind was the goal. What does that mean?" Him: "Well, you are pretty effectively negating everything I say. Which still doesn't account for the fact that I think differently than you do, and so events played out the way I thought they could best be done. I never claimed they were the right and true way, but the best I could do, with my inexperience dealing with emotional issues."

And THEN we get to the good stuff.

Him: And I don't want to hurt anyone. Which is why I thought it was over, that I hurt you too much to go back. it was something I couldn't bear. It was welcome to again interact with you, but I would never let myself go any farther.

Me: well duh, you are with someone else

Him: talking about right after the shit, but yes it carries to the present. I guess I am thanking you for allowing me back in your life, at least a little.

Me: But I still don't understand. What couldn't you bear?

Him: being with you with the fuck up I've been

Me: what, and I had no say in the matter?

Him: Over how I feel? No. But I didn't know you would be embarrassed, but I did detect some hostility there, so I let it lie. It didn't change our interactions.

Me: Had I known, it would have. I would have NEVER shared what I had.

Him: but I would have still, obviously

Me: would have, obviously.. but dammit, that's really not fair. Its not like you share that with your other friends. Its a level of intimacy usually shared between partners, and yet you're too guilty to go there, so you're essentially getting the best of both worlds. Its not fair to the person you are with, and its not fair to me.

Him: ...

Me: but its all moot, I guess. you obviously love this woman, and I'm obviously shit out of luck. so....

Him: and once again I must leave you to sleep, on that excellent note.

Me: That was excellent?

Him: that was sarcasm

*****
I'm so confused its not funny anymore.