First Date of 2009
After I did my run-down just before New Years' about my 2008 dating life, I decided it was time to change a couple of things. Namely, I needed to meet more people, go out on more dates, and have fun again. Not necessarily in that order, and 'fun' didn't necessarily mean sex. Just... well, fun. The kind of playfulness that attracted my favorite people in the first place; a playfulness I feel like I've lost and need to play some serious hide and seek to get back in my life.
So I worked hard to set a time and place with The Mechanic, a man I've been chatting with for well over six months but haven't been able to meet. When I asked him why that was, he said that my canceling once at the last minute made him think I was trying to blow him off. I assured him it wasn't, so we moved forward from there. Unfortunately, he wasn't able to make the next four dates I'd suggested, and I got the feeling he was trying to pursue things with someone else, so I laid low and didn't bother. Until now.
I suggested several different date times and places, but each one he already had things to do. It came out that my hunch was true; there was a gal pursuing him that lived 4hrs away and was in town visiting for the holidays, and although he assured me he wasn't interested in a long distance thing, he'd still planned to go out with her while she was here. Exasperated, I threw out one final idea. Surprisingly, he accepted. Friday it was, at a local coffee shop.
As the week passed however, he contacted me via MSN to say that he'd thrown out his back and was in massive pain, unsure if he could keep our date. He'd text me beforehand to let me know what happened. Since I'd already planned to be at the coffee shop anyway, I went with a good book and whittled some time away. Fifteen minutes before he was supposed to show up, I got a text message telling me he was feeling 'marginal' but had seen the doctor, so he was on his way.
When he walked in I was speaking with the coffee shop owner, who quickly excused himself as The Mechanic sat down. Again surprised, the guy looked better in person than in his photos - but before I could say anything he started talking. The next three hours I said very little. It was refreshing, considering I'm a yak-your-ears-off kinda gal, and gave me a bit of time to reflect on whether or not I wanted to get to know him better without having to worry about impressing him too much.
Still, I was having a hard time reading the guy. Was he just rattling off his standard stories? He didn't ask me any questions at all during the date, which I found a bit odd. Later, he admitted he was quite a shy man when it came to women, and had been burned numerous times. Since most women were incredibly aggressive with him, he didn't have to do much in the way of showing interest... but that wasn't the kind of relationship he wanted, either.
I left, a bit confused yet still interested in learning more. We parted ways without a handshake or hug, but he did tell me when he was free and that we should go for sushi soon (since that was our initial plan but we got caught up taking so never made it to the restaurant).
Will I see The Mechanic again? I hope so; I'd like to get to know him better without the specter of first date jitters, for starters. I asked him to join me on a walk last night but he declined because his back was still giving him problems. Perhaps later this week we'll get to meet up again.
A Predictable Chat
Him: hello good morning
Me: same to you! how goes the day so far?
Him: good u?
Me: sorry, not as attentive as I'd like, lots going on here
Him: no worries
Him: would you possibly like to hang out sometime ?
Me: It depends I guess on what you're after.
Me: I'm blunt. 
No games here...
Him: spending time together
Him: cuddling , sex i dunno what ever happens
Me: Ok, Well I'm not after a friends with benefits kinda thing, sorry.
Him: no worries
Him: i am and take it from there
Him: see if it develops into something more\
Me: Although I hear where you are coming from.. its not something that appeals to me in the least. Its not that I don't like sex. I love it. But I find it kinda icky without a connection beyond physical.
Me: So best of luck to you in your search. I'm sure you'll be able to find exactly what it is you are looking for (and no, I'm not being sarcastic).
Him: i just got out of a relationship not looking to jump right back into one
Him: Fair enough. I understand that completely. But rebound gal isn't the kind of woman I like being, and all the reasons in the world won't change my mind on a deal-breaker.
Me: So feel free to say hey when you've processed the relationship somewhat... I know it can be a bitch.
Him: ok take care hope you find what you are looking for
Him: 
Me: Thank ya, you too.
And for the last time..
... it seems Behinder has broken my heart. He told his gf about what he did to me, and she 'forgave' him. But wait, he also loves her, so deal with it. Yes, that's actually what he said.
He also encouraged me to be myself with him, because he hates that we can't be ourselves, together. Hm. That's weird. Considering that being ourselves with one another would mean he'd be cheating on his gf...
Also encouraged me to continue hoping he'll one day come to his senses. Have it all with me. Also admitted he was 'conflicted' about her and I at one point, but he's now "sure" about how he feels with regards to her. Never told me this of course. Never gave me the opportunity. Just ignored me, and spent all of his time with her.
I'm so incredibly confused and hurt that I can't even put it into words anymore. All I know is this: there is a lack of humanity in all of this, and I deserve SO much better. Onto new years, and new beginnings with people who deserve me in their lives.
As I Wait For New Year’s…
... I ponder my dating life.
Its been a doozy of a year. Behinder has taken up most of my emotional currency, even after spending more than six months of the year not talking to him. I recently had to eat crow and ask him for help with someTHING only he could do (wow, Freudian misspelling there), and he was more than willing (even eager) to become a part of my life again. Even told me that he felt nothing but "remorse, regret and arousal" for me/the situation. But of course, he's still dating the STD Nurse -- a moniker given because she's a nurse, and she gave him an STD -- the woman who lives three hours away that he left me for. Last we spoke, he asked me what he had to do so we could be friends again, and I advised him at the very least, it was to come completely clean with STD Nurse about my role in his life, and what he did to me. He assured me a month ago, before a three-week long trip to visit said-gal, that he would. Haven't heard boo about the topic since. Methinks he didn't.
Otherwise, I dated a man 11 years my junior for about a month during the summer, but that ended in a blaze of smoke and weirdness. There isn't a nice way to explain why it didn't work out; he's just not a smart man. Which, I've learned, is a mandatory on my itsy bitsy list of must-haves.
I've met four other men this year:
- Better Than Sex Guy, who has full custody of a child that isn't his biological son, and who blew me and all dates off after running into me randomly on the street;
- Goblin, who as per his request I shall not write about other to comment on discussions we've had;
- The Erotica Writer, a military man on medical leave that lives a couple of blocks away. Some potential deal-breakers here, therefore I don't think it'll go anywhere other than friendship;
- Recently Separated Mover, an older gent who contacted me just before moving clear across the country. I felt no attraction towards this man, both when he showed me his photos and when we met, but he seemed to feel differently and would unexpectedly run into me at a regular haunt of mine regularly, until he met a gal closer to him in age that he started dating; and
- The DJ, who told me within 10 minutes of meeting that he thought we'd be "better off as friends with benefits. What do you think?" Its too bad, because he was by far the most interesting of the lot.
I've also chatted with a handful of men this year that I never got the chance to meet:
- Crazy Ass Dude, an out of towner with some serious drug addictions and trust issues. I think he may call me Crazy Ass Chick... I wasn't too nice and called him on his shit, thus blowing up any probability of ever meeting;
- Stu. Couldn't come up with a better handle. We talked on the phone a fair amount earlier in the year, but when he told me a drawn-out story about a woman who'd accused him of raping her (charges were dropped), I took a step back and stopped initiating contact. It seems he did the same;
- Arctic Black, another out of towner who I loved chatting with, but he lived a good four hours away, so it seemed pointless to continue;
- Beaton, an ex from many years ago who got married earlier this year. I introduced him to poly relationships while we were together, and he's now adopted the lifestyle as his own (with his wife's full participation and approval). Later this year he admitted he still had a thing for me, and even though his wife thought he was bonkers for considering it, he "knew" we'd be together again at some point. It's all chat, nothing has happened and I'm doubtful anything ever will, but he's helped me process a lot of relationship crap recently I probably couldn't have otherwise;
- Hamish. He looks an awful lot like Behinder, which I'm ashamed to admit is why I contacted him when I noticed him looking at my online dating profile. We've become fast friends, although he's in a relationship and has been pretty much since we 'met'. Still, the lines are a bit blurry with him, and I have to wonder what would happen if we ever did meet face to face, even though he too lives about three or four hours away.
- The Farmer, another out of towner who has become a favorite chat buddy, but whom I doubt I'll ever meet face to face;
- The Mechanic, who I've been talking with for a couple of months now. Always good for a giggle, I enjoy our chats but haven't been able to nail him down to a time and place to meet. Next week looks promising though... perhaps it'll happen before New Years'. One can hope.
Dateless
I haven't posted in, well, a long time. Because I'm dateless. Been on a bit of a dry spell of late, as loathe as I am to admit it. Its not even that I've given up. Really, I haven't. I've even asked two different men out. One met me, thought we even hit it off. But I hear from him maybe once a month if I'm lucky, and he's made no move whatsoever to invest time or energy into our interactions. The second - The Mechanic - I've been trying to arrange a date with for months now, but our schedules just don't seem to mesh.
To me, those are signs. Cliches even. (He's Just Not That Into You?) If a man can't make time, for a first date or a third, then I'm not sure why I want to either.
I'm still a bit bummed by it all though. I get a bit misty over the holidays sometimes. I love giving gifts, finding that perfect present that makes my loved ones' eyes light up with joy. And I do this for my friends and family... but its just not the same when you're dating someone. Shows like Ugly Betty don't help either. I find myself longing for one character in particular (Gio) to make a real-life appearance in my life.
I even threw this little itty bitty character crush off a friend earlier today to see if I was out to lunch. "Is my want for someone to sweep me off my feet with everyday romance a bit fucked up?" I boldly queried. "Nah," he told me. "There are men like that everywhere."
I'm still thinking about this one and until I figure it out, I have a feeling I'll be dateless.
Updates on My Dates
Lots to share in a short time frame. Let's see how much I can cover!
The Farmer decided that he had to tell me he was going on a non-date with a woman he'd made out with before last Saturday night. The non-date (his words) were to occur at a pool with her in her bikini, which he assured me was a very good thing. Before I could ask why this was important information for him to share, he was gone. The next day, he tells me he was too sick from some sort of food poisoning to "do her again" in the morning, aka morning sex. He still was adamant it wasn't a date. Suddenly, he seemed to realize how inappropriate his rantings were, and mentioned he was doing a pretty good job of putting his foot in his mouth. I haven't bothered talking to him since.
A series of strange events with Better than Sex Guy has had me calling him at his request, and him not picking up or returning my calls, although when I ran into him on the street the other day (completely unawares it was him at first - he looks quite a bit older than his pics in person), he made me promise to call him again. So, I did, one last time, to invite him to the farmer's market. He ignored me, I went anyway, and lo and behold who do I run into as I'm leaving? Him, his son, and a very attractive young redhead, who waved and said hello to me while I tried to get Better than Sex Guy's attention. Somehow he never saw me, so I chatted briefly with the woman at his side. When I got home, I had an email from him stating his son's mom was in town, so this weekend was bad for him - but what's going on on Canada Day? Yeah, no.
Behinder and I have chatted a bit since the big fallout the other day, but nothing has been resolved. We even ran into each other on the street the next day; for some reason I'd chosen to get all dolled up before leaving the house, so as soon as he spotted me, he plastered a shit-eating grin all over his face. Still, I have to wonder about a man who extolls my virtues and amazingness, knows I've wanted him by my side for almost two years, yet pulls a little emo side story as an excuse why he can't date me anymore, and finds the fastest, quickest gal to casually start dating. *sigh*
So that's the sad state of my dating life right now: no dates with which to speak of. Just weird coincidences and behavior from a bunch of motley fools.
The Plot Thickens
Behinder finally admitted to me yesterday that he's been dating the woman I've dubbed the STD Nurse: the nurse-in-training he unceremoniously left me for, who in turn gave him a (luckily) innocuous STD.
I started the conversation with eight points I wanted to make:
- I feel ashamed and foolish because of how you chose to interact with me.
- You took the easy way out with this entire situation, the whole time (and continue to), and I am very angry with you for that.
- I find this cycle of "sweet" yet manipulative/deceitful women to be abhorrent, and I am furious with you for continuing to make excuses for these women's behaviors.
- You completely disregarded me as a supposed good friend.
- We've been having intimate conversations/interactions, which, although not technically cheating are COMPLETELY inappropriate between two people where one is dating someone else.
- Because of the last point, I'm now the kind of woman I never wanted to be - again - because of your poor judgment. I may not seem to be the most moral of women, but I do have a strict moral code that I refuse to break. I may not like STD Nurse's actions or behavior, but I would have NEVER encouraged or initiated anything had I known.
- I feel you've placed higher value (based on your actions) for a relative stranger rather than one of your supposed closest friends, and being that you've said several times you'd never be friends with STD Nurse if you weren't having sex with her, this devalues our interactions.
- Your excuse that "she was always around" when you were visiting your friends as an excuse to continue dating STD Nurse is ridiculous, and sounds like something more appropriate coming from a 14-year-old.
So he counters with, "you keep going back to it, yet you still never answer my question, which is , If you hadn't forgiven me for it, why still talk to me?" and I answered, yelling, "Because you told me to wait." (He did. Specifically, he'd assured me things would get better in a couple of months, and that I was worth the wait. A couple of hours later, he was bopping the STD Nurse).
And then I explain my definition of love, which is essentially to see the nasty in someone, and STILL care about them. I said that I realized I did, realized my errors, knew damn well that I was fucked up at the time, and was being patient, working on my own stuff. He counters with, "that is love to me too," to which I reply, "aha, so that's why you're running to poor STD Nurse's maligned side." He said nothing.
He then said that STD Nurse knew he flirts with me, and thinks its harmless. I explained that what we'd been doing was well beyond flirting, and he bloody well knows it. He agreed.
Then he tells me he obviously can't change my mind, to which I am puzzled. I ask, "I didn't realize changing my mind was the goal. What does that mean?" Him: "Well, you are pretty effectively negating everything I say. Which still doesn't account for the fact that I think differently than you do, and so events played out the way I thought they could best be done. I never claimed they were the right and true way, but the best I could do, with my inexperience dealing with emotional issues."
And THEN we get to the good stuff.
Him: And I don't want to hurt anyone. Which is why I thought it was over, that I hurt you too much to go back. it was something I couldn't bear. It was welcome to again interact with you, but I would never let myself go any farther.
Me: well duh, you are with someone else
Him: talking about right after the shit, but yes it carries to the present. I guess I am thanking you for allowing me back in your life, at least a little.
Me: But I still don't understand. What couldn't you bear?
Him: being with you with the fuck up I've been
Me: what, and I had no say in the matter?
Him: Over how I feel? No. But I didn't know you would be embarrassed, but I did detect some hostility there, so I let it lie. It didn't change our interactions.
Me: Had I known, it would have. I would have NEVER shared what I had.
Him: but I would have still, obviously
Me: would have, obviously.. but dammit, that's really not fair. Its not like you share that with your other friends. Its a level of intimacy usually shared between partners, and yet you're too guilty to go there, so you're essentially getting the best of both worlds. Its not fair to the person you are with, and its not fair to me.
Him: ...
Me: but its all moot, I guess. you obviously love this woman, and I'm obviously shit out of luck. so....
Him: and once again I must leave you to sleep, on that excellent note.
Me: That was excellent?
Him: that was sarcasm
*****
I'm so confused its not funny anymore.
So… He Didn’t Stand Me Up
Better Than Sex Guy just couldn't find me. After an hour of driving around, he gave up.
Silly me, I should have remembered he was new to town.
So, pre-date#1 is postponed.. until Sunday afternoon or Monday.
What If He’s Only Had Friends with Benefits?
So the Farmer lives about 1.5hrs South of me (I think), but he doesn't see that as a stumbling block to dating. I thought to myself, if he doesn't think its that big a deal, why should I? So we chat. Still. Often. Usually twice a day.
I was curious as to what he wanted to get out of our MSN-based interactions, because most men I've talked to online seem to want to meet right away. Which has always been fine by me, because I'm not a fan of chatting forever, falling in love online and THEN meeting face to face. Nah, too many expectations. I'd rather get the whole picture as soon as possible, and I'd much rather have my relationships exist in flesh and bloody goodness.
The Farmer, on the other hand, would much rather chat and get to know each other at length before meeting. His reasoning? (You already know, c'mon now... its always a dating disaster story). A psycho first date with a woman who basically started stalking him afterwards. She didn't even post a picture of herself online, but rather someone else. (Her sister? Roommate? I can't remember).
Curious, I ask more about the Farmer's dating experiences. He seems to have a fairly dark view of meeting women online (understandably), and rarely find people he even finds remotely interesting. Lucky me, I passed the first few tests.
And then he drops The Whopper For Which I Was Not Prepared: he isn't fond of dating. In fact, his last two "relationships" were friends with benefits situations that lasted a "long long time".
I fumbled around for words after his admission, and ended up signing off earlier than normal to think a bit.
I hate friends with benefits. Truly hate it. Boots to those who can make it work without hurt feelings, but I have yet to see or experience a 'successful' FWB first-hand. And if it isn't already obvious, I'm sore on the subject because I've been made a friend with benefits a few times without being told.
Here's what bugs me: FWB is basically a cop-out to avoid actual intimacy with another human being. Something is being filled (literally!) but the actual joy of intercourse is being thrown out the window completely. Its the same reason why I don't enjoy sex doggy-style; I cannot connect with my partner. What irks me even more are the men who have FWB relationships exclusively. They are essentially emotionally unavailable (as opposed to emotionally distant), and that's definitely NOT what I am looking for.
So do I keep on talking to this guy, knowing he's already told me what I need to know?
Pre-Date #1: Stood Up. I Think.
I sent Better Than Sex Guy an email yesterday: "Sorry I haven't called... its been crazy the past few days. I think I saw you at the water park today though! Want to hit the park tomorrow afternoon? (Thursday?)" He responded almost immediately, "wow !!! u should have come and said hello to me!!!! if i had of seen u i would have been over to say hello. as for the busy thing..i so understand. its raining out there...that sucks..im totally up for meeting!!!!! give me a shout!!!"
I in turn reply:
Its all good, I was just walking by. You seemed in the middle of a conversation and I didn't want to interrupt. IF that was even you. So, rain is pooey, so maybe coffee/tea instead? #removed address & details# I'm going to try to be there around 1:30-ish."
He confirmed with more exclamation marks, and we were off. Or so I thought.
I was running a bit late so I called him and left a message at 1:15 saying I'd be delayed 5-10 minutes. I have no idea if I even got the right phone number or not, but since his message sounded like a kidlet trying to take over the phone, I assumed I dialed correctly.
I arrive at 1:40pm and he's obviously not there. Its a small, central coffee shop, and I know the staff quite well, so I ask them if they've seen someone fitting Better Than Sex Guy's description. Nope.
I waited until 1:50pm and finally gave up, taking my tea to go. I just got home now after sauntering about (what can I say? I like rainy days) and sent him a quick email apology. Who knows what'll happen next, if anything, but I'm not going to hold my breath.
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