Read on for some unfortunate dating profile openers I've actually run across:

• THE SKY IS FALLING!!! Now that I have your attention...
• Need a home?
• Looking for the one so I'm picky
• Seeking realattities (now either that's a really bad typo or...)
• Beauty is in the eye of BEERholder
• I'm a liar and a loser (okay, i'll admit I still had to look at his profile to see if he was being facetious - he wasn't)

And then of course there are the all-time overused opening lines on online dating profiles:

• Looking for Mr/Mrs Right, Prince Charming or The One
• The one your mother warned you about
• Where do I start?
• Just looking
• Tired/sick of the games
• Where are the real men/women?

Hm. Did I miss any?

Please, I beg of you: don't use any of these online dating profile openers. PLEASE.

• Looking for Pledges for a Masturbate-a-thon.
• Tired of fake women - and I don't mean the inflatable type.
• Making people think since... [insert date]
• Distraction Wanted
• Lead me not into temptation... I can find it on my own!
• Some mornings its just not worth chewing through the leather straps
• Lost soul looking for mate

At 32, I feel the same way most of the time, still not quite understanding my friends who require regular trips to their dealer or the liquor store to numb their lives just a little bit longer.

I’m no princess either though. For my 31^st birthday I retardedly decided to erase my own pain with some yet-to-be-named white, tasteless liquor that went down oh-to-well, leaving my friends to force water down my throat at every corner and walking me not unlike their precious Fido’s. I definitely had a short leash.

Still, that was a one-off event, and honestly? It didn’t make me feel good.

What does make me feel good however are - words. Words that, when proffered to me in a very particular combination, remind me of the blood coursing through my veins and how lovely it is to be alive, even if what I’m feeling isn’t terribly pleasant.

For instance: one of my favorite 80’s films (what can I say? I’m a child of the eighties) had a bit part in it where a tall, very large breasted high school girl unwittingly became the obsession of an Asian exchange student named Long Duck Dong. His call to said girlfriend, hanging from a tree encased in toilet paper after an especially raucious party, “Where’s my sexy GIRLfriend?” in a singsong voice, is a powerful bore into the depths of my psyche. Although I identified as gay in middle school, I felt like I was that girl: geeky, way too developed in the chest region, and oblivious to attraction from any direction. The fact that it came from a foreign exchange student wasn’t lost on me, and my affinity for people from other places still lives on, partially because of this one line in a silly little movie that definitely hasn’t made it through the test of time.

When I hear those words, I am instantly taken back in time. I feel warm and sexy even though my awkwardness never really went away. A million things go through my mind, but they only take a second to register.

THIS is the feeling I want when I read someone’s profile introduction.

I realize it’s a lot to ask of mere mortals in a hastily-crafted one liner for an online dating site. Really, I get it.

But until I get that warm feeling from a strangers’ attempts at extending a friendly handshake and saying hello, I can’t bring myself to find the person in question interesting.

And really, isn’t that what dating, and love, is all about? Those magical moments that take your breath away, leave you aching for more, and delightfully intrigued as to what’s coming next?

Unfortunately the online dating world loses this extremely important rush of feeling. I still get butterflies if I see a gorgeous person gazing right at me from across a crowded coffee shop, but a picture on a web dating site? No shazaam for me.

People’s words however? THEY matter.

I’ve met and dated so many people from online dating sites over the past decade, I’ve lost count, but it lands squarely somewhere in the high thousands. And I STILL remember a select few opening lines and first-time chats, all of whom I still keep in contact with today.

Sure, all of my opening lines haven’t been stellar. But most of them have. I change them frequently mind you, because I find different words resonate with different people, and my moods are mercurial to boot.

But I always know when I’ve gotten it right: I get several creatively minded, intriguing people within driving distance contact me immediately saying, “I HAVE to meet you!”

It doesn’t get much better than that, does it?

The update to JDate included other features, such as the ability to post on one's online dating profile whether or not they were willing to convert to Judaism should they meet the partner of their dreams, the addition of the same-sex option has definitely had the most impact. In less than a month more than seven hundred same-sex web daters have signed up for the service.

JDate offers some free options for users to connect, such as sending a flirt or previewing matches. However, to contact someone using one-on-one video chat, instant messaging, email or e-card costs anywhere from $29.99-34.99/month depending on the length of time signed up for.

All of this first-hand research has made me a bit of an expert in the subject of creating a profile that catches the eye of potential suitors. I know what has worked for me, and what has worked for others to get my attention. Also, I’ve spoken with countless friends, dates and chatters on this subject, to get their opinion on the matter as well.

Four themes emerged from the discussions; four simple things that every online dater can do to ensure more responses. And with more responses, comes more dates.

Online Dating Profile Tip #1: Post an Eye-Catching Picture
The most effective way to get responses from your online dating profile is post a picture. Not just any picture will do, either. It has to be a clear, crisp shot of you doing something a tad out of the ordinary, or looking somehow different from the rest of the crowd. Let’s be honest here! You’ve got a lot of competition online, and only a couple of seconds to attract someone’s attention. The more unusual and outrageous your picture is, the better.

Over the years I’ve spoken many times with friends about my dates, or profiles that have caught my attention. Many times I don’t even use people’s names anymore, because I could meet five “John’s” in a month, and trying to explain who is who confuses everyone. Instead, I create handles like “Alligator Wrestler”, and “Urban Spelunker”. These names have usually come from their profile pictures. I’m sure you can just imagine what kinds of photos were used to earn these titles!

The point is that you want something memorable as your first introduction. Since I don’t have any ‘memorable’ pictures of me to use, I chose a picture of me that resembles a celebrity as my main profile shot. Many people do a double take, and then feel compelled to contact me and say, “Hey, you look a lot like Kristie Alley!” Things usually progress from there.

Online Dating Profile Tip #2: Create a Powerful Opening Line
Before you can determine what is powerful, though, you should take a peek and see what your counterparts are using. Just maybe your favorite line from ‘that’ song is being used by every other Net dating user right now. Or maybe you see a theme that you want to avoid completely. Checking out the competition never hurts, but in this case, it’s crucial. Once you’ve done your research, you can start creating an opening line. Again, being unusual here is a plus. The more obscure, the better! You want potential dates to read what you say, and think, “What? I have to learn more,” and then contact you to ask for more details. Coy, provocative, flirty and outrageous all work here – use them freely.

One of the best responses I ever received from an opening line was a reference to an article I read about a “Masturbate-a-thon” fundraiser for cancer research. Of course, not everyone will want to use something so blatantly suggestive in their profile. But it worked for me, even though I became inundated with a lot of people looking for something a bit different than what I wanted.

Online Dating Profile Tip #3: Keep It Simple
For years I was well-known for my long-winded profile pieces that did a great job of explain the 5 W’s of, well, me. It took quite a while to realize that few people actually read all of my prose, and if they did, they rarely remembered it while chatting and getting to know me. Now, my profiles are short, to the point, open and honest. I leave readers wanting more, and so should you. It’s another great way to get that, “Wow, that wasn’t a lot, I want to know more about that person!” reaction.

Online Dating Profile Tip #4: Be Honest
This may sound very basic – but it isn’t. If one of the generic questions on a profile asks you about your stance on politics, having children, or sex – answer it truthfully. People will search out others using these terms, and not answering – or being dishonest – only hinders your online search.

The honesty principle also includes pictures, too. If your best eye-catching photo isn’t recent, use it, but make it clear somewhere how old it is, and how you may have changed since then. And don’t forget to include more recent, clear photos of yourself elsewhere.

Although it may seem a bit creepy, your goal is to describe yourself so well that someone walking down the street will recognize you from your online profile. I’ve had this happen to me more than a dozen times in almost four years. Even though it was a bit uncomfortable at times when it did happen, I know at least that I have been honest in how I present myself.