Its Odd How Things Change So Quickly
As I read my last post from just over a year ago, I'm amazed at how much changed - and how quickly. A week after I wrote that last post, I met the man that I'm still dating today. Have things been smooth sailing? Gosh no. But it was definitely worth the ride to get where we are now. His name in this blog? The Dude. Why? Because that's what my friends call him.
After a year and a bit, we aren't anywhere near where many couples run to after only three months of dating. You know what I mean; the folks that are ooey gooey with one another, telling each other, "I love you!" ad nauseum and moving in after barely finding out each other's last names. No, we're pretty low key. The L word hasn't been spoken, there's no moving in talk, and we don't even refer to one another as boyfriend and girlfriend. Partners, yes.
So what happened to all the other folks already mentioned? A brief recap:
- Never heard from The Mechanic again after our first and only date;
- I moved away so that Behinder no longer lived behind me, and he moved the gf he left me for into his home. We talk maybe twice a year, when he contacts me to see how I'm doing;
- The Farmer and I never met, although we still chat occasionally;
- Goblin and I continued to hang out/chat platonically until recently. When he decided to meet a single mom who lived out of town by planning to stay at her home for their first weekend visit, I became quite upset and he didn't understand why.
- Better Than Sex Guy? I'm at a loss as to figure out who that was. I will soon and repost. EDIT: Alrighty, I went back and looked. The dude who stood me up and blew me off?! Why on earth he got so much air time in this blog is beyond me now. I'd completely forgotten about him.
And for the last time..
... it seems Behinder has broken my heart. He told his gf about what he did to me, and she 'forgave' him. But wait, he also loves her, so deal with it. Yes, that's actually what he said.
He also encouraged me to be myself with him, because he hates that we can't be ourselves, together. Hm. That's weird. Considering that being ourselves with one another would mean he'd be cheating on his gf...
Also encouraged me to continue hoping he'll one day come to his senses. Have it all with me. Also admitted he was 'conflicted' about her and I at one point, but he's now "sure" about how he feels with regards to her. Never told me this of course. Never gave me the opportunity. Just ignored me, and spent all of his time with her.
I'm so incredibly confused and hurt that I can't even put it into words anymore. All I know is this: there is a lack of humanity in all of this, and I deserve SO much better. Onto new years, and new beginnings with people who deserve me in their lives.
As I Wait For New Year’s…
... I ponder my dating life.
Its been a doozy of a year. Behinder has taken up most of my emotional currency, even after spending more than six months of the year not talking to him. I recently had to eat crow and ask him for help with someTHING only he could do (wow, Freudian misspelling there), and he was more than willing (even eager) to become a part of my life again. Even told me that he felt nothing but "remorse, regret and arousal" for me/the situation. But of course, he's still dating the STD Nurse -- a moniker given because she's a nurse, and she gave him an STD -- the woman who lives three hours away that he left me for. Last we spoke, he asked me what he had to do so we could be friends again, and I advised him at the very least, it was to come completely clean with STD Nurse about my role in his life, and what he did to me. He assured me a month ago, before a three-week long trip to visit said-gal, that he would. Haven't heard boo about the topic since. Methinks he didn't.
Otherwise, I dated a man 11 years my junior for about a month during the summer, but that ended in a blaze of smoke and weirdness. There isn't a nice way to explain why it didn't work out; he's just not a smart man. Which, I've learned, is a mandatory on my itsy bitsy list of must-haves.
I've met four other men this year:
- Better Than Sex Guy, who has full custody of a child that isn't his biological son, and who blew me and all dates off after running into me randomly on the street;
- Goblin, who as per his request I shall not write about other to comment on discussions we've had;
- The Erotica Writer, a military man on medical leave that lives a couple of blocks away. Some potential deal-breakers here, therefore I don't think it'll go anywhere other than friendship;
- Recently Separated Mover, an older gent who contacted me just before moving clear across the country. I felt no attraction towards this man, both when he showed me his photos and when we met, but he seemed to feel differently and would unexpectedly run into me at a regular haunt of mine regularly, until he met a gal closer to him in age that he started dating; and
- The DJ, who told me within 10 minutes of meeting that he thought we'd be "better off as friends with benefits. What do you think?" Its too bad, because he was by far the most interesting of the lot.
I've also chatted with a handful of men this year that I never got the chance to meet:
- Crazy Ass Dude, an out of towner with some serious drug addictions and trust issues. I think he may call me Crazy Ass Chick... I wasn't too nice and called him on his shit, thus blowing up any probability of ever meeting;
- Stu. Couldn't come up with a better handle. We talked on the phone a fair amount earlier in the year, but when he told me a drawn-out story about a woman who'd accused him of raping her (charges were dropped), I took a step back and stopped initiating contact. It seems he did the same;
- Arctic Black, another out of towner who I loved chatting with, but he lived a good four hours away, so it seemed pointless to continue;
- Beaton, an ex from many years ago who got married earlier this year. I introduced him to poly relationships while we were together, and he's now adopted the lifestyle as his own (with his wife's full participation and approval). Later this year he admitted he still had a thing for me, and even though his wife thought he was bonkers for considering it, he "knew" we'd be together again at some point. It's all chat, nothing has happened and I'm doubtful anything ever will, but he's helped me process a lot of relationship crap recently I probably couldn't have otherwise;
- Hamish. He looks an awful lot like Behinder, which I'm ashamed to admit is why I contacted him when I noticed him looking at my online dating profile. We've become fast friends, although he's in a relationship and has been pretty much since we 'met'. Still, the lines are a bit blurry with him, and I have to wonder what would happen if we ever did meet face to face, even though he too lives about three or four hours away.
- The Farmer, another out of towner who has become a favorite chat buddy, but whom I doubt I'll ever meet face to face;
- The Mechanic, who I've been talking with for a couple of months now. Always good for a giggle, I enjoy our chats but haven't been able to nail him down to a time and place to meet. Next week looks promising though... perhaps it'll happen before New Years'. One can hope.
Talking Sex with an Ex
I'll admit it: I talked at length about sex with an ex, namely Behinder (the guy my friends say I am still in love with). I usually cringe when calling him an ex, because we only really dated for a couple of weeks, but whatever. Right? We dated. It was hot and heavy and surprisingly serious. He's an ex.
It started when I shared the comments of, interestingly enough, one of the same people who has been jeering me about still having feelings for the guy. "You need the sense fucked into you," he said. I might as well come up with a name for the guy, since I've mentioned him twice now. Er... yes. The Goblin, because it suits his personality well.
Goblin was harassing me about having hot and heavy sex talks with behinder on a semi-regular basis. Prompted by me? No, no, definitely not. Behinder would go out of his way to try and bring up past shared sexual experiences to gauge my reaction, or tease me with things he knew I found arousing. His coup de gras was getting me to masturbate after getting so excited that I couldn't help myself. Not in his presence mind you. Just online via chat. Of course, he was doing the same thing.
Was it wrong? It felt wrong, but oh-so-right at the same time. Later, much later, I found out that he was dating the STD nurse during this whole eight month long fiasco. She had no idea at the time what her boyfriend was doing with me, nor did she know of the overlap between us when they first met. Eventually she 'forgave him' his transgressions, because "nothing physical ever happened". Whatever helps you sleep at night, right?
When I found out about him having a girlfriend while seducing me yet again, I blew up. Wasn't pretty, but was drawn out. I felt betrayed in ways I couldn't describe - even more so than if we'd done the deed (again). Why? Because to me, the seduction was more intimate than any sexual encounter Behinder and I had shared - and we'd shared some intensely personal sessions. And so now, I won't talk sex with an ex - because I know now that (a) he's probably got someone else I don't know about, and (b) its so much more intimate for me to get in my head than get in my pants.
Moping
I haven't posted anything of late because there isn't anything to tell. I'm moping, miserable, and heartbroken, even if I was more delusional than anything to have thought that My Great Romance ended up being not much more than a notch on Behinder's ever-widening belt.
But as Goblin said to me the other day, Behinder is partially delusional too. He purposely led me on and deceived me, so really, its time to accept Behinder chose a sex doll over substance -- and move on.
Heartbroken
I hate using the word heartbroken, because it reminds me of some sort of emo-filled teen angst song. But right now, that's about how I feel.
Behinder has finally come clean with me. He's sorry for leading me on and acting seductively, he says because of his "emotional idiocy", he didn't think what it would do to me. But yes, he's been dating STD Nurse for eight months now, and he has no intention of changing that anytime soon.
So he not only purposefully hid this tidbit from me, but he went out of his way to tell me he was only casually dating instead of the "not casual" relationship he's having. She's even visited him here (they live three hours apart), and, lucky me, he decided to tell me that she "wears him out" when she visits. Tactless, yes, but I was blown away that he'd tolerate once-a-month sex, considering he's ended relationships in the past because he didn't get once-a-day sex.
Interestingly, he also shared that if they were not dating, its possible he'd pursue something with me again. Because there isn't any of sort incompatibility between us; just his own dumbass mistakes.
Supposedly he's telling STD Nurse his transgressions with me - namely, not telling her he was with me when he started fooling around with her, as well as his repeated attempts to get me to masturbate, because he "loved" getting me to that place so often. Also supposedly, STD Nurse doesn't care, because its "not physical".
Is anyone else buying the bullshit? I'm sure as hell not.
So I told Behinder today that he'd pulled one too many stunts with me. He leveraged both our relationship and our friendship so he could date this woman, a deceitful, manipulative "sweet" girl. I said I hoped the charade was all worth it, because he'd utterly humiliated me. He didn't deserve my love or friendship, even though he had both, unconditionally.
If anyone has some good 'purge-the-ex' ideas, I'm all ears. I've run into Behinder now twice in two days, and it sucks. Hugely. Although it might be fun to run into him when he's with the STD Nurse... I can think of a lot of things I'd love to tell her.
Updates on My Dates
Lots to share in a short time frame. Let's see how much I can cover!
The Farmer decided that he had to tell me he was going on a non-date with a woman he'd made out with before last Saturday night. The non-date (his words) were to occur at a pool with her in her bikini, which he assured me was a very good thing. Before I could ask why this was important information for him to share, he was gone. The next day, he tells me he was too sick from some sort of food poisoning to "do her again" in the morning, aka morning sex. He still was adamant it wasn't a date. Suddenly, he seemed to realize how inappropriate his rantings were, and mentioned he was doing a pretty good job of putting his foot in his mouth. I haven't bothered talking to him since.
A series of strange events with Better than Sex Guy has had me calling him at his request, and him not picking up or returning my calls, although when I ran into him on the street the other day (completely unawares it was him at first - he looks quite a bit older than his pics in person), he made me promise to call him again. So, I did, one last time, to invite him to the farmer's market. He ignored me, I went anyway, and lo and behold who do I run into as I'm leaving? Him, his son, and a very attractive young redhead, who waved and said hello to me while I tried to get Better than Sex Guy's attention. Somehow he never saw me, so I chatted briefly with the woman at his side. When I got home, I had an email from him stating his son's mom was in town, so this weekend was bad for him - but what's going on on Canada Day? Yeah, no.
Behinder and I have chatted a bit since the big fallout the other day, but nothing has been resolved. We even ran into each other on the street the next day; for some reason I'd chosen to get all dolled up before leaving the house, so as soon as he spotted me, he plastered a shit-eating grin all over his face. Still, I have to wonder about a man who extolls my virtues and amazingness, knows I've wanted him by my side for almost two years, yet pulls a little emo side story as an excuse why he can't date me anymore, and finds the fastest, quickest gal to casually start dating. *sigh*
So that's the sad state of my dating life right now: no dates with which to speak of. Just weird coincidences and behavior from a bunch of motley fools.
The Plot Thickens
Behinder finally admitted to me yesterday that he's been dating the woman I've dubbed the STD Nurse: the nurse-in-training he unceremoniously left me for, who in turn gave him a (luckily) innocuous STD.
I started the conversation with eight points I wanted to make:
- I feel ashamed and foolish because of how you chose to interact with me.
- You took the easy way out with this entire situation, the whole time (and continue to), and I am very angry with you for that.
- I find this cycle of "sweet" yet manipulative/deceitful women to be abhorrent, and I am furious with you for continuing to make excuses for these women's behaviors.
- You completely disregarded me as a supposed good friend.
- We've been having intimate conversations/interactions, which, although not technically cheating are COMPLETELY inappropriate between two people where one is dating someone else.
- Because of the last point, I'm now the kind of woman I never wanted to be - again - because of your poor judgment. I may not seem to be the most moral of women, but I do have a strict moral code that I refuse to break. I may not like STD Nurse's actions or behavior, but I would have NEVER encouraged or initiated anything had I known.
- I feel you've placed higher value (based on your actions) for a relative stranger rather than one of your supposed closest friends, and being that you've said several times you'd never be friends with STD Nurse if you weren't having sex with her, this devalues our interactions.
- Your excuse that "she was always around" when you were visiting your friends as an excuse to continue dating STD Nurse is ridiculous, and sounds like something more appropriate coming from a 14-year-old.
So he counters with, "you keep going back to it, yet you still never answer my question, which is , If you hadn't forgiven me for it, why still talk to me?" and I answered, yelling, "Because you told me to wait." (He did. Specifically, he'd assured me things would get better in a couple of months, and that I was worth the wait. A couple of hours later, he was bopping the STD Nurse).
And then I explain my definition of love, which is essentially to see the nasty in someone, and STILL care about them. I said that I realized I did, realized my errors, knew damn well that I was fucked up at the time, and was being patient, working on my own stuff. He counters with, "that is love to me too," to which I reply, "aha, so that's why you're running to poor STD Nurse's maligned side." He said nothing.
He then said that STD Nurse knew he flirts with me, and thinks its harmless. I explained that what we'd been doing was well beyond flirting, and he bloody well knows it. He agreed.
Then he tells me he obviously can't change my mind, to which I am puzzled. I ask, "I didn't realize changing my mind was the goal. What does that mean?" Him: "Well, you are pretty effectively negating everything I say. Which still doesn't account for the fact that I think differently than you do, and so events played out the way I thought they could best be done. I never claimed they were the right and true way, but the best I could do, with my inexperience dealing with emotional issues."
And THEN we get to the good stuff.
Him: And I don't want to hurt anyone. Which is why I thought it was over, that I hurt you too much to go back. it was something I couldn't bear. It was welcome to again interact with you, but I would never let myself go any farther.
Me: well duh, you are with someone else
Him: talking about right after the shit, but yes it carries to the present. I guess I am thanking you for allowing me back in your life, at least a little.
Me: But I still don't understand. What couldn't you bear?
Him: being with you with the fuck up I've been
Me: what, and I had no say in the matter?
Him: Over how I feel? No. But I didn't know you would be embarrassed, but I did detect some hostility there, so I let it lie. It didn't change our interactions.
Me: Had I known, it would have. I would have NEVER shared what I had.
Him: but I would have still, obviously
Me: would have, obviously.. but dammit, that's really not fair. Its not like you share that with your other friends. Its a level of intimacy usually shared between partners, and yet you're too guilty to go there, so you're essentially getting the best of both worlds. Its not fair to the person you are with, and its not fair to me.
Him: ...
Me: but its all moot, I guess. you obviously love this woman, and I'm obviously shit out of luck. so....
Him: and once again I must leave you to sleep, on that excellent note.
Me: That was excellent?
Him: that was sarcasm
*****
I'm so confused its not funny anymore.
Addicted to Chat
I've realized the past few nights that I don't really have much of a social life; most of my 'social' time is spent chatting with potential dates and/or friends online. So when everyone - very suddenly! - becomes unavailable to chat, I get a bit antsy. Not that I don't have a bajillion other things to do with my time. But I think perhaps I am addicted to chat.
And what isn't there to like? If a particular chat buddy is in any way literate, the instant gratification is hard to beat. Sure, online its pretty much impossible to create that heady chemistry that makes you swim with desire, but it can get pretty damn close. Ok, so the Ex from Hell was able to do it with me, but that relationship wasn't the healthiest of passions.
So when, two nights in a row, I found myself sans chat buddy, I felt a bit empty and unsure of what to do with myself. Yes I have a stack of fascinating books I've been meaning to devour, and I could quite easily play an hour or two of Final Fantasy 8, my new obsession. But I want to feel attractive, desired and intelligent right NOW! At midnight on a weeknight.
Usually Goblin and I feed our compulsive chat addictions nightly with either a debate about the merits and drawbacks of jumping the Behinder or a circular argument about why him and I aren't dating each other (answer: because I'm still stuck on the Behinder, obviously, and I know Goblin too well to put him in the potential rebound position).
Then there is the Farmer, where up until two days ago we'd been chatting for hours every morning and night about taboo topics such as ex's, diseases of the colon, friends with benefits, and the acceptability of being a carnivore. I've never even met the guy and I realize I miss our unpredictable sittings.
Of course there is the Behinder, with whom I usually shoot the shit with at least once a day depending on his work schedule. Yes, yes. We live mere meters from one another. And when we see each other, invariably one of us has a book or game to share with the other; me some literary smut like Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden, and him Warren Ellis' Transmetropolitan. Behinder however is out of town visiting friends for six days, and although he's occasionally been online, I've chosen the route of space-giver due to our last conversation (And You Say Women Are Confusing?), as well as the fact that I have a sneaky suspicion that part of his visit is to meet up with one of the gals he left me for eight or so months ago. Still, as my sister informed and reminded me just yesterday, I love the guy. Truly, completely, unconditionally - and its obvious. I'm missing him more than the rest combined.
There's also an ex-gf who I'll just refer to as S; we talk once in a while late-night too, but she's now a single mom with a 2-year-old, so I don't see her online as often as I used to. S always gives me perspective while openly sharing her affection for me . S is great for the ego - and yet another reason why I'm so addicted to chat.
I think I'll take a chat break this weekend. More hiking, less computer. Yeah.
Emotionally Distant Men
Alright. I've dated my fair share. Behinder is probably the worst of the bunch, although he was the opposite when I first met him. *sigh* Anyone getting tired of my moping about this guy yet?
So anyway... when I was looking for reprint permission for the quote from yesterday about men not wanting what they have (Just What I Needed To Hear), I found another Q&A from Christian Carter about emotionally distant men.
Hm. I don't think I gave this guy enough credit the first time around. Here's the Q&A, also in its entirety; I'll comment further in another post later on today when I have a chance.
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